


It Gets Better

by KurenaiCakes



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Gen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 02:05:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7134143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KurenaiCakes/pseuds/KurenaiCakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a wolf shifter had taken a lot from her. She got tired to being pretending to be okay, pretending that she could live in the world of the supernatural, so she left everyone, everything she'd known. And then she meets The Winter Soldier, who's still reeling from being set free.  He's just trying to figure out who he is as his two identities clash. Together, they try to mend themselves, one song at a time.</p><p>*This story is posted on FF.Net also under the same name. Summaries are a little different since Ao3 allows me to have more words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Running Away

**Author's Note:**

> Hello,  
> I got bored, got an Ao3 account and decided to try my hand with a story here. This is a story I recently started on FF.Net as 'kurenai cakes' and I decided to post it here also. 
> 
> Original Author's Note  
> I don’t know where this came from. That’s a lie. I was hit with the idea while feeling down one day. It was begging to be written. This isn’t a fandom that many people frequent so I don’t think anyone will read it, but eh.  
> There is a mention of suicidal thoughts. If they make you uncomfortable, please don’t read.  
> I own neither Marvel or Stephanie Meyer characters.  
> ~Kurenai Cakes

**With Leah**

Everything had changed after the Volturi left. Everyone moved on, and she tried. She did. She just couldn’t, not in La Push. Not when everyone had found something to live for. Jacob and Quil had their imprints. Seth and Embry had their girlfriends. Not to mention that over half of Sam’s pack was imprinted or in some kind of loving relationship. It was hard not to be jealous when everyone was happy. But she decided to push through until…Her mom and Charlie had gotten married. Of course she went to the wedding, and smiled, pretending to be happy for her mom. All in all, she couldn’t deal with the fact that when her mom said “I do” it meant that everything was over. It felt like the family that she’d grown up in was over. There was no more “Clearwater family.” It had only been two years since her dad died, and a Leah couldn’t except that out over twenty years of marriage was gone within an instant. Sure Harry was dead, but it was like Sue and Seth never grieved. Leah herself felt cheated of her grief as she was forced to join Seth in the supernatural fight, but Harry had always been on her mind. Sue and Seth just instantly began moving on, Sue with the Swan and Seth with the supernatural world. And as when she looked around the room at the people, the Cullen family, and the packs smiling and congratulating them, she felt so out of place. She wasn’t happy for them. She hated this development.

 _‘You don’t belong here with them.’_ Their smiles were genuine, and hers was so fake, and she knew that she couldn’t stay here and pretend to be happy with all of the change that happened in her life over the past couple of years. That night, she excused herself from the reception and quietly went back home. She found herself moving on autopilot as she went and packed her bags, haphazardly throwing clothing and shoes into the bags. She grabbed the extra money that she’d been stockpiling for emergencies.

She didn’t leave a note. She just got into her car, and drove away. Without looking back.

They called every day.

“Leah, where are you.”—that was Seth.

“Hey, Leah honey where are you? You left the reception last night and no has seen you since. I’m starting to get worried” — that was her mom.

“Leah, I know we’re not on the best terms but you need to call or something. Please you’re freaking us out.” –Emily.

“Lee-lee…Leah, it’s been a couple of days. I’m starting to get worried.” –Sam.

“Call me, Beta. Okay, whatever is wrong. We can work it out.” –Jacob

“Call me, sis.”—Seth

“Call me, honey.”—her mom.

“Leah, what the hell where are you?”—Jacob.

The calls continued for a long while, each one angrier than the rest.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Come back home. I don’t know what the fuck you’re playing at. But this is bullshit. ”— that was Seth. She doesn’t think that she had ever heard him sound so angry.

“Look, Seth and I are coming to find you.” Jacob said.

And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She didn’t want to go back. She couldn’t, not when she was nothing but a burden to them. She was perfectly willing to live in the past and remember, but she didn’t think it was fair to make them do so. She felt the need to break her silence. But she couldn’t talk to one of them. She couldn’t talk to one of her family members, Jacob, Emily or Sam (not that she had anything to say to the latter two). She looked through her contacts, and before stopping on one name that she never thought she would call.

“Hello,” he answered.

“H-Hello,” she stuttered back.

“It’s good to hear your voice Ms. Clearwater. You’ve given everyone quite the scare over the last three weeks.”

“I-I’m sorry…” she whispers.

“Everyone’s been worried about you, my family included.”

“You don’t have to lie. It’s okay, whatever. I can’t come back. Don’t l-let them come for me, yet…I can’t come back…I need time. There is something wrong with me…” She didn’t know if she was making sense. She probably wasn’t as air started to feel like a luxury she could no longer afford. She couldn’t breathe. It fucking hurt. “I ju-just need time to figure ou everything…to fix whatever’s wrong with me.”

“Leah, just call when you’re ready.”

The next day, Carlisle texted her a bank account number and told her to take as much as she needed. And the calls stopped.

That was a couple of months ago. And she still didn’t figure out what was wrong with her. She had just kept driving, putting as much distance between her hometown and herself. She stopped a couple of times, spending a couple of weeks in some cities that she doesn’t remember the name of. She tried working there, and tried to set up some semblance of a life, one without wolves—she stopped phasing as soon as she left La Push. But her attempts of life never stuck so she moved on. She tried to find her place in the world. She did, and she couldn’t find it. The hole that had developed when her father died and she became a wolf grew larger. It was swallowing her alive. Her inner wolf craved to be let out, and should feel the entity pushing on the edge of her consciousness begging to be free. And she didn’t want it to keep its hold on her. So she finds herself standing on a random roof on a really high building in New York. Why there? She doesn’t know. She’s just so tired.

Looking down, she smiles as she takes in the street below. There are lights everywhere, outshining the stars in the night sky. The people look like ants, and she knows that they can’t see her. It’s a good thing. She’s a mess. A literal hot mess, and no one should be subject to the shit-show that was Leah fucking Clearwater.

An idea sparks. No that’s a lie. She’s had it before, the idea to end whatever she was. She craves nothingness, and for some reason she feels that death is the only thing that could grant it to her. She’d tried drugs before, but the whole wolf thing made them impotent.

_‘Maybe if I fall from this high I could end it.’_

She closes her eyes, takes a breath and steps over the edge. She expects to free fall, but it doesn’t happen. There is something cold holding one of her hands. She opens her eyes only to see a metal hand holding hers.

 _‘What the fuck’_ she thinks as her eyes trace the arm to find a dark haired man, his hair covering his face, attached to it.

He yells something that she can’t understand, and she finds herself being pulled up.

She tries to pull away so she can plummet in peace but he is stronger, and she soon finds her feet back on the rooftop floor. And now she stands across from the lifesaving stranger, and she finds that she hates him. No that’s not right. She hates herself for trying to end it. For getting caught. Everything she has been dealing with since she left culminates and she begins to cry. She throws her arms around the stranger and blubbers into his chest. He’s stiff at first, but she soon feels a warm arm and a cold, metallic one wrap around her. And she begins to cry harder.


	2. The Draw to be Alone Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two People with Problems Gravitate toward Each Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from Original FF.Net Author's Notes  
> The Songs of the Day: The Draw by Bastille & Alone Together by Fall Out Boy  
> Which led to the Title of this Chapter  
> The Quote of the Day: Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. ~ Buddha  
> (PS: I own nothing but my plotline)  
> ~Kurenai Cakes

**With Leah**

_‘He smells nice…. Wait…What the fuck am I doing?’_ The thought springs forth and she instantly pulls away as if she has been burned. She practically bolts back through the open door, down the stairs that led up to the roof of the building. She gets in her car, that she parked behind the building. As she cranked up the car, she looks back—she didn’t hear any footsteps behind her when she left the building, and he isn’t behind her now.

 _‘Thank goodness,’_ With that thought she drives back to the shitty apartment that she had been living in. A scalding hot shower later and she is curled up in her bed, alive.

Alive.

She finds herself unable to fall asleep. It’s too quiet, and it’s quiet, her rampant thoughts begin to rush. And she doesn’t want to think. She lets out a small growl and picks up her cellphone. She turns on a random song, and instantly words fill the room, and she isn’t so alone.

She stares up ate the ceiling.

_‘Alive…I’m alive.’_

She doesn’t exactly know how feels about the word being applied to her.

With that she fell asleep.

 

.

.

**With The Asset**

The Asset was free, no more handlers or missions or new blood on his hands. But that didn’t wash away his sins, his hands were still stained with red. Captain America—Steve? — had told him that he would save him, and the man in red, white and blue came through with his promise. And as much as the Asset hated his handlers and the labs it was home, and now, he didn’t have a place to belong. The Captain had said to come with him, but the Asset couldn’t. The Captain had called the Asset Bucky, and while the name rang a bell and the Asset knew that somehow he was “Bucky”, The Asset knew that he wasn’t the same man The Captain remembered. He didn’t belong with The Captain, besides The Captain had the Avengers.

The Asset had no one.

The Asset had no home.

And so he was wandering stealthily as he was no doubt a wanted man around New York when he saw her. She was on the edge of a roof. She was bathed in moonlight, and even though he could see only half of her face, he could tell that she was sad. Her face mirrored everything that whirled inside of him, and in that moment he knew that he’d found someone broken like him, kindred. When she stepped off the roof, The Asset dove to save her. Letting her die would be reprehensible…it would be another sin to add to his long list if he had let her fall. So he saved her. She cried and hugged him—how long had it been since he had been hugged? Was is sad that he couldn’t remember? But he enjoyed the warmth that she exuded— before running away.

He knew he should have let her go and leave but he had a gut feeling that he should follow her and make sure that she was okay. He did, though he kept to the building rooftops, forgoing the streets.

Eventually her car stopped and she got out of the and went to another building, where he assumed she lived. The maneuvered around the surrounding buildings until he found a vantage point where he could see into her bedroom. *

She leaves the room for about thirty minutes before coming back, opening the window and getting in the bed. She’s lies in bed for a moment before deciding to pick up her cell phone. She fumbles with it, and then some music begins to play. And while the song is low, his enhanced hearing allows him to hear it through the open window. As the singer laments about the familiar, the unknown, drifting, and being drawn to something, The Asset finds himself thinking about his life. There was his past, a foggy mass that was always blocked his present, and he didn’t know if he could ever move on to a future.

All the while, he watched through the window, until he she fell asleep, and he left, vowing to return. And he did.

Again

And Again

The song was right; he could feel the draw.

.

.

 

**With Leah**

Sometimes you get a feeling you’re being watched. It happens when you’re the last person to walk into a room. Or when you fall in front of a lot of people. The eyes that stare at you practically burn you even if you can’t see them. You just know. And while those eyes are just on you for a small period of time—you eventually sit down or get up and brush yourself off—what is happening to Leah doesn’t. It happens every day.

It’s always the same. She feels the hairs stand up on the back of her neck, and she’s a flash of dark hair. She should call him out on it. He’s anything but subtle—she could always catch a glimpse of dark hair or when the wind blew she would catch the somewhat familiar scent— but for some reason she allows him to follow her. Maybe it’s because she’s grateful for him saving her life? Maybe she’s happy to be alive?

Alive.

There is that word again.

She doesn’t think on the word as much as she did the first night. That’s a lie. It has plagued her ever since that night. Being alive was something she doesn’t know if she wants. Her life wasn’t peaches-n- cream, and she doesn’t exactly have a place to belong. She was a lone puzzle piece without a scenery puzzle to join.

She’s lying in her bed listening to a song by Fall Out Boy. The song didn’t strike a chord within her until Patrick Stump begins to sing about his heart being a stallion and being broken. She was beyond broken and at rock bottom. _‘There is no lower point than wanting to die’_ she thinks.

The song continues and Stump croons about starting on the road to ruin at the end. She is way beyond ruined. _‘Maybe there is now where to go but up?’_ If one started at the end of road to ruin, and kept going didn’t that mean they got better?

Alive.

The more she thinks on the word, she realizes that she had been given a second chance. Maybe she could try to be happier, if that was possible? He’d given her a gift right? She just tries to live, tries to be thankful for him saving her.

And she decides the best way for this to happen is to meet her savior.

She gets out of her bed and goes to her window.

Right as she opens it, Stump says something about being alone together.

It was fitting as she was about to be alone with her savior/stalker.

As soon as the thought passed through her mind, she cries mentally, ‘ _ugh, I sound like Bella!’_

But still it doesn’t stop her.

_‘What else do I have to lose?’_

.

.

 

**With the Asset…or is it Bucky now?**

That song she was listening to that first night after he saved her played in his head constantly. It wouldn’t have sucked so bad if he could remember the whole thing. But all he could remember only bits and pieces. And the more his thoughts drifted to a metaphorical draw, he found himself getting nostalgic. Who knew that the Asset could do that? Day by day, more of this Bucky, James Buchanan Barnes’ memories slipped in each day. And he felt some kind of indescribable need to find The Captain…Steve.

It didn’t take long. All he had to do was sit on a bench in a random New York Park—he had a hood pulled over his head despite the warm weather— and a tall man with a baseball cap sat next to him. It doesn’t take a genius to know who it is.

“Hey.”

Though The Asset wants to slide in Russian he’s conscious of the potential language barrier so the Asset makes a conscious effort to speak in English. “Hello,”

“How have you been?”

“I—good.”

“That’s good.”

An oppressive silence soon engulfs them. It’s not something that he has seen between friends on tv when he’d been lucky enough to access one. This was nothing like he’d imagined it to be. He expected everything to just fall into place when they talked. But they were barely talking. This wasn’t going anywhere. This was a bad idea. The Asset could never be James Barnes...he couldn’t be Bucky. That man was The Asset’s past and the Asset didn’t know if he had a future and if he did what if it didn’t include Steve.

“This was a bad idea.” The Asset finds himself voicing his concerns aloud. His head was hurting as visions of the past began to swirl. “I have to go; I’m sorry.”

With that the Asset rose from the bench and tried to make a hasty get away, only to have a warm hand grab his nonmetal one.

The Asset finds himself unable to look the blue eyed man in the eye, choosing instead to look at him through the curtain of his dark hair.

“Thank you for coming today.” He could practically hear the man’s smile. It was so hopeful. The Asset gave him hope, false hope. And he couldn’t help but feel terrible. He hadn’t thought this through and now someone may get hurt.

He can only nod in response, and the hand falls away and The Asset takes his leave.

After his failed attempt to reconnect with Steve, he wanders around, making sure no one is following him. Eventually he finds his way back to her apartment again (and The Draw song begins to play in his head again) She’s in bed. But something is different this time. She rises from her bed, and opens her bedroom window. She leans out and her head swivels for a second, her nose high in the air almost as if she is sniffing for him. It takes a second, but soon her eyes find him, and he finds himself standing to his full height.

She waves, her hand. He waves back, all the while thinking: _‘How did she know The Asset was here?’_

The wave is an awkward action, but it does the job. A small smile graces her face and her hands moves again this time it’s a come here motion.

.

.

**With Leah**

He just stares at her stupidly, and she just rolls her eyes and screams out the window. “Get your ass over here!”

For a second he hesitates, but he soon jumps from the building onto a closer one. He does this one more time, and he’s on the building next to her. He slides down a fire escape until he is near on the same level as the fire escape on her floor. She should be creeped out by how nimble he was. But she isn’t. Once you encounter a vamp, nothing could scare you really. His scent wasn’t tainted by the sickly sweet stench that no doubt was the source of the Hansel and Gretel story. Besides, this was New York and from what she understood lots of weird things happened in New York especially with this being the Avengers’ city and all. Maybe he did parkour or something in his spare time. He jumps on the ladder and motions for her to stand back, and catapults himself into her window.

When the man is fully in the room, she gets a good look at him. He’s tall. His eyes are this greyish blue color. He’s wearing a dark grey hoody with black jogging pants.

They stand in the middle of her room awkwardly, so she decides to take the situation in her own hands. She was trying to move forward and be alive.

“Hello, my name is Leah. Thank you for saving me a couple of weeks ago” she holds out her hand.

He shakes it, and replies with Здравствуйте. Пожалуйста. Я рад, что ты жив.

She finds herself staring at him for a second before she finds her phone.

Good thing google has a translator.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And on that note, I would like to let you know that I will probably use google translate for all the Russian phrases used. If my translations are wrong let me know the proper way to say it or if I just should just nix the Russian from the story all together.  
> The Translation from this chapter: Hello. You're welcome. I'm glad that you're alive.  
> *- Is this too weird? I feel like he wouldn’t know what constitutes as normal behavior as he was constantly reprogrammed and stuff. And also since he was an assassin stealth is ingrained into his being (though he doesn’t know that she knows that he is following her).  
> Also, I proofread but I may have missed something; let me know. Thank you for reading. Thank you for letting me ramble. Tell me what you think. Let me know if you like this.  
> ~Kurenai Cakes


	3. Wallowing in Despair while Grasping for Humanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their meeting doesn't go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's note from FF.net: Hello I am back again. Sorry it took so long to come back with this chapter. Okay, I feel like I should let you guys know that I don't actually know where this story is going. I just write what comes to me and try to piece stuff together to make it fit. For example, I started this story with the intent of making Leah and Bucky's relationship like the one Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia from Criminal Minds have (epically flirtatious and comfortable but it would be weird for them to be together romantically) with the ultimate relationship being Leah Clearwater/Tony Stark (mostly because I don't think it has never been done before, but then again to my knowledge neither has Leah/Bucky). I had also thought of incorporating Civil War into the story in some shape or form. I saw the movie and it emotionally damaged me. (If you have seen this movie maybe you can agree that Tony Stark needs some love.) But then I showed some random rough draft stuff to my friend and she said that she wanted Leah/Bucky to be together, which of course made me think that maybe they should be endgame. As you can see my mind is a fickle thing, and now I'm torn between Leah/Tony &Leah/Bucky. They both have the ability to be epic in my opinion. So I'm going to ask for a little help. What do you guys think?
> 
> Sorry for the Ramble; story time.
> 
> The Songs of the Day: Left Alone- Sleeping with Sirens; Human- Krewella; Human-Christina Perri
> 
> Beginning Quote of the Day: Depression, suffering and anger are all part of being human. ~Janet Fitch
> 
> (I own nothing but the plot)
> 
> ~Kurenai Cakes

**With The Asset…or is it Bucky now?**

The Asset feels fear. It's weird. The Asset has faced many dangerous things, but sitting at this table with her, the girl he saved, is the scariest thing that he had ever done.

_'_ _What if The Asset disappoints?'_ The thought constantly passes through his mind as he stares at her. She invited him into her home. He had followed her, and she knew. Instead of fearing him, she sat across from him like they were equals. They were sitting at her table. Could you even call it a table? It was a crappy little fold out table that one gets when they want to watch tv and eat dinner (which was weird since he didn't see a tv in the bedroom). They both had mugs of tap water in front of them, and her phone is sitting in between them, connected to google and ready.

But the phone hadn't been used. He didn't know what to say to her. And the silence gets so oppressive. He feels the weakness of sadness creep up on him. And he feels like he did with the Captain—Steve. He feels so lost, and he hates it. So he decides to cut their losses. A friendship with The Asset won't do her any good. He will not bother her again after this encounter. He rises from his chair and heads for the window only to hear a soft "wait"

She apologizes for the mess of the evening when he knows that he is the to blame. The Asset cannot do anything right. The Asset cannot socialize like a normal person.

_'_ _Is The Asset even a person?'_ The mental question catches The Asset himself off guard, but the answer quickly comes to him. _'The Asset is not human, not anymore…All the blood that stains my hands, stains my soul. I am tainted and damaged…The Asset is a monster and there is no future for The Asset.'_

And once the though hits him, something inside of him breaks. He quickly returns to the abandoned building that he was staying in. He tries sitting down, to think and pull himself together, but The Asset cannot. He rises and in a rage he punches the wall, over and over. And over, and over until the cement walls start chipping. For some reason, that is what snaps him out of his fury, and while the fury is replaced with sadness. His legs give way, and he has to practically crawl to into the makeshift bed that he created when he 'moved' in a couple of days ago.

That night The Asset dreams that Leah didn't tell him to leave. She tells him to stay and they talk the night away. He dreams that that he is human…that they become friends and that he rehabilitates enough become Bucky and be friends with The Captain—no Steve again.

But when he wakes…he knows that it was just a dream, a fantasy that holds no possibility.

**.**

**.**

**With Leah**

This was probably the most awkward thing that she had ever done. And she used to walk around naked around teenaged guys (she knew they were peeking when she phased back, and sometimes she phased abruptly, destroying any hope of covering up when she was done, which left her without clothes when she exchanged her four legged form for two.) She finds herself just sitting there staring at her mug of water. She had looked at him out of the corner of her eyes, and he looked so uncomfortable. She had brought him in here only to be an utter weirdo and stare into a mug of water. Why did she subject him to this torture? He probably though she was some kind of psycho or something.

She doesn't know why she tried to pretend to be normal and have company over. This was an epic fail. It just proved how out of tune with the world she was. She was actually relieved when he rises and stats to walk away. But for some reason she can't help but feel a pang of rejection. So calls for him to wait.

_'_ _I can't do anything right'_

"I'm sorry for wasting your time. Thank you for coming in."

He hadn't turned around when she asked him to wait so she was talking to his back, which was awkward in itself. He nods, though, and she thinks, hopes, that she's forgiven for the grievance that this is. He leaves through the window just as he entered.

And when she's alone again. She had been so hopeful, and like everything else. She finds her phone, and climbs into bed. She shuffles through a songs trying to find a song that fit the mood. Kellin Quin's voice pierces the silence.

**.**

**_The next day…night_ ** **(Still With Leah)**

She finds herself behind the bar, not to drink—though some patrons loved for her to knock back a drink with them as they flirted, each drink on their tab of course. Was it sad that she didn't exactly know the name of the place she worked? She was just going through the motions, trying to live, and accept the life that she couldn't end, not when someone had gone through the trouble of saving her.

Her night was pretty tame. Bartend-make drinks like Buttery Nipples and Jaeger Bombs…Drink a Shot of Whiskey (cuz a customer bought her a drink) Wink at the guys and girls who flirted. Dance to the music that played all around, making sure to move her hips just right to entice people to talk to her—which lead to more drinks being bought. Listen to the people complain drunkenly about their lives. Call cabs for those who she felt had met their intoxication limit. Ya know, mundane 'bartendery' things. All in all, she enjoyed it, kinda. Being in a room full of people made her feel like she was socializing. It would be good if she meant the smiles she gave. She didn't but it wouldn't hurt. Pretending to be happy was good. Fake it till you make it. (though she should probably learn from the fact that that motto didn't work when she was at home with her family and friends). The free liquor was a bonus though. Every shot she took warmed her for about twenty minutes until the alcohol was burned out of her system by her wolf metabolism. The wolf still ran rampant inside of her mind, clawing to get out but she held firm, making sure to fight it for all she was worth.

Her shift ended around one in the morning and she set out to make the walk to her apartment. She had left her car at home, preferring to feel the autumn wind on her face, letting her know that she is indeed alive. Fate decided to remind her that though she was alive, she was not living though.

Her phone rang, and she plucked it out of her pocket, and stared at the name that flashed on the screen. **_Mom._** Sue Clearwater. Leah and her mother hadn't really talked in a while, and that was long before her father died. Mother and daughter never quite saw eye to eye. As the years dragged on, the schism between them grew, eventually becoming some the size of the Grand Canyon when Sue started her romantic relationship with Charlie Swan soon after Harry Clearwater, Leah's beloved father died.

Leah wills the phone to silence as she stares at it, unwilling to actually block her mother's call. She had done it before, plenty of times but for some reason she can't. She tries to wait he sound out, the ringing continues until she can't take it anymore, so she swipes the screen, answering the call. With Trembling fingers, she brings the phone to her ear. "Hey, mom"

"Are you punishing me?" are the first words that come out of her mother's mouth.

And Leah finds that her automatic response is to comfort her mother with "No." The word flows out of her mouth, and she doesn't entirely know if she means it. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry! Ha, you're sorry. You left my wedding reception, Leah. No word no nothing for months, and then I have to hear that you're okay …that you needed space from Carlisle! And I've given you space, plenty of space. And you still haven't called."

"Mom, I…I'm trying to work some things out. I just..."

"What do you need? What do you expect to find wherever you are that you can't find here? What could possibly be waiting out there for you, Leah? What?"

For some reason, her tone of her mother's voice had a somewhat patronizing note in it that made Leah get angry. "I don't know! I don't know! But it beats the hell out of sitting there pretending that the Rez and Forks are supposed to be my life forever when I hate it there. I was suffocating there. Dad …it still feels like he was here yesterday, and with him gone I—" she doesn't get to finish.

Her mother sighs, "It's been two years since he died."

"I fucking know that mom. But he was the only thing that and everyone was moving on, and I can't…not there"

"Yes Leah. We have to move on. We can't have a fucking breakdown, and just walk away whenever the hell we feel like it. You have responsibilities."

"I'm not having a breakdown." Leah's voice sounds squeaky, panicked even to her own ears. But the panic is soon pushed down in favor of anger. _'Responsibilities?'_ Her responsibilities ended as soon as the last vampire threat that plagued her town and people she cared about was dealt with. Coexistence was reached, and there was no need for her to be battle ready. There was no need to be on standby for imminent threat. And as the lives of those around her moved, she stood still, going through the motions. She put of fake smiles and feigned happiness. She didn't want to devote her life to that life.

"Mom, I didn't shirk my responsibilities. The war is over...And even if it were I never asked for this. This thing inside of me isn't an honor. It's a curse, and I want no part in that world. I want to be happy."

"Are you happy now, Leah." Sue sounds patronizing once again. Leah hesitates as she thinks over the question. No she isn't happy. She hasn't been happy in a long time. And the tears that Leah didn't know that she was holding back spring forth. She was trying though. She **is** trying, to be better and nothing was working. "ARE YOU HAPPY?" Sue screams.

_'_ _No, I tried to kill myself'_ The thought pops up and Leah pulls away from phone as if burns her face. She can't tell her mother that. But what could she say. She stares at the phone for a second, listening to the harsh breathing of her mother. And she has nothing to say. She isn't happy. Her days have been miserable. She doesn't talk to anyone outside of the customers. The one meaningful social interaction she could have had was destroyed by her stupid idea to talk to her savior/stalker. The only thing that Leah can do is hang up. She turns off her phone, and finds herself blubbering into her hands until someone taps her on the shoulder. That brings her back to reality. She is standing on a sidewalk about three blocks from her apartment (she had been walking the entire she spoke to her mother) in the middle of the night.

She quickly nods at the strangers and practically runs the rest of the way home. She sits on her bed, staring at the wall while Kellin Quinn voice rings out filling the silence again. He says that some things are better left alone. It's so true. The conversation with her mom left her so exposed, and she hated it. So she tries her best to zone out and let Kellin voice overtake the one that is rampant within her mind..

She daydreams about her family, how it was before. She daydreams that she could asked the man who saved her his name and that they could become friends. She wishes that she living…that she was happy. That she can be human.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**A Few Days Later**

**With Bucky—Who was he kidding; he can never be Bucky again? –It's The Asset.**

The Asset finds himself at her apartment again, hoping to find the music. Silence plagues him. It has ever since he realized his true nature. The Asset was not meant to be nothing more than a destroyer. New York is a loud place but the mundane sounds of everyday life does nothing for him. The Asset needs the music that she plays speaks to him. He's not 'human,' but for some reason music speaks to him in a way. And he needs, no craves the music.

This time he is outside her open window listening to two women sing about being human. But today is different. Instead of just letting the music speak, Leah sings along, her voice a third, but melodic entry to the song. They sing about how they are human and the weight of the world and about being sleepless. The lyrics take on a different meaning especially when she soulfully belts out "I'm the only one left alone on this Earth" Her voice holds an anguish that echoes within his heart. He bolts upright, directly in front of the window and he finds her gaze on him.

Feeling caught, quickly turns to leave only to hear "wait."

Like his dream he turns around and that's where the similarities end so far. She standing there with her hands balled up at her sides, her face contorted with sadness. To know that he, The Asset, was the cause of that look twisted his insides uncomfortably.

"Don't go. We don't have to talk or anything. We can just sit here and listen to music."

_'_ _The look on her face… she wants The Asset to be here.'_ He thinks. So he joins her. They slide down onto the carpet right underneath the window and they enjoy the music that plays from her phone, though she stops singing in favor of letting the music play. Another song about humanity plays, though this woman sings about how she bleeds when she falls down and how words felt like knives. It brings tears to his eyes.

One of her hands grabs his, and turns his head only to find teary brown eyes staring back at him

"Why did you save me?" she whispers. He doesn't think that she wants an answers as she turns away from him as soon as the words are said. But the answer wants to come out so, he grabs her cellphone from the floor and quickly finds the google app and speaks into the microphone.

"Я хотел, чтобы чувствовать себя человеком"

She reads the translation and her face scrunches up in confusion, but she doesn't pull away. She grips his hand tighter.

"You never told me your name."

He replies with "меня зовут Джеймс" It's the most human name he can think of.

She reads the phone and smiles at him, and it makes him want to be human again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending Quote of the Day: To my mind, there is a reason that music is there and it's about being human. ~ Kim Deal
> 
> Translations (Again they are from google, so let me know if something isn't correct)
> 
> Я хотел, чтобы чувствовать себя человеком-I wanted to feel human
> 
> меня зовут Джеймс- My name is James
> 
> Is it bad that I see myself in these characters (you never truly how much of your own life/emotional experience influence your writing until you read it back to yourself)?
> 
> I tried to keep their relationship friendship based as I try to figure out what relationship will be endgame. But idk how this chapter read. Was it as bad as I think it was? Probably. Also, I didn't really proofread so let me know if the mistakes are too plentiful to bear. Let me know if I should rewrite.
> 
> Thank you for reading.
> 
> ~Kurenai Cakes


	4. Solace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah and James have tough conversations with people in their lives and ultimately seek each other out when the emotional fallout is too much to bear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt of Original Author's Note on FF.Net  
> Hey guys, sorry for taking so long to write this. Thanks for all of your Kudos  
> On the Relationships in this story: Leah and Bucky won out, and because of that I decided to make a kinda AU instead of focusing on Age of Ultron or Civil War, which would kinda cloud my objectivity where Mr. Cpt. America and Bucky’s friendship and the total fuckload that Tony Stark had to suffer would come in and detract from the relationship that I’m trying to build. 
> 
> Onwards, to the chapter!  
> ~Kurenai Cakes

**The Songs of the Day: “Last Hope” Paramore &“Stone” Alessia Cara feat Sebastian Kole**

**Beginning Quote of the Day: My family is my strength and my weakness. ~Aishwarya Rai Bachchan**  
  


**Chapter 4: Solace**

**With Leah and the James**

They’re sitting on the floor underneath the window again. It’s he off day and he doesn’t have to leave, so they enjoy the music that plays. And she’s singing again.

“I don't even know myself at all…I thought I would be happy but now…”

Her voice blends in with the original singers creating a harmony that he didn’t think was possible. But the words strike a chord in him also, the past that Bucky had lived and dreamed in. When he was younger, he’d always dreamed of being married and having a family. And if that had happened as he’d planned; if he’d retuned from war as he was supposed to, he’d probably be an old man, nearly on his deathbed, that had been married for over thirty years, had kids, grandkids, and maybe even great-grandkids. He had thought that he’d have a smile of his face for years and pictures to match. Instead, he was a man forced out of time, a shell of what he once was.

And she grabs his hand when she begins to sing about a spark that grows. His eyes turn to her and she keeps singing. She grips his hand tighter. How could she not, his eyes are watering? Taking the hand that isn’t holding his, she reaches for his face. He flinches and his other, much colder hand, the one that shines in the light, grasps hers.

She pauses her singing and says, “You’re crying.”

His brow furrows, and let’s go of her hands to wipe his face. He reaches for the phone just as the song ends. He pulls up the translator

“Вы когда-нибудь хотели повернуть время вспять?” (Have you ever wanted to turn back time?)

It takes a second for her to read the words and she can’t help the small, rueful smile that appears on her face. “Of course I do. Who doesn’t have a thousand regrets?” He replies with, “ Иногда мне жаль, что я был другим человеком, кто достоин жизни свободной от боли и жертвы.” (Sometimes I wish that I was a different man, someone worthy of a life free of pain and sacrifice.)

She read and her smile becomes less sad. “Me too.”

“Я рад, что встретил тебя.” (I am glad I met you.)

She reads and her smile brightens again “Me too.”

**With The James**

For some reason, he feels up for this. He doesn’t know why. It had been weeks since he’d done this, since he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t do this anymore. But none the less he’s sitting on a bench. It’s been about twenty minutes, but his wait isn’t in vain as a man in a blue plaid shirt and jeans with a blue baseball hat sits next to him.

“Hey, Buck.” The man greets.

The James tries not to flinch at the name, but he doesn’t know if he succeeds so he tries to recover quickly with a “Hi”

As he did before, he uses English for the other man’s comfort.

“How have you been?” Steve asks, his blue eyes looking straight into James’.

“I’ve been content.” Steve’s tilts his head slightly at the answer James gave. So James tries to clarify. “I met a girl.”

James can’t help the smile that appears on her face.

“That’s good.”

“She makes me feel human.”

The James enjoys her company. She’s so warm, oh so very warm, and he had been cold for so long. It made him happy to bask in the warmth that she provided. He’d found himself letting his guard down. Many a morning since their late night music routine began, The James found himself waking with her head on his shoulder, and instead of retreating, he found himself pulling her closer.

He seeks her out every night—well that’s nothing new, but instead of watching her from afar, he sits beside her as her equal. It’s been so long since he’d felt close to another. Sure the Cap—Steve— he remembers some of their time together in the past. But the James was very different than Bucky. And with Leah, he didn’t have to second guess his existence in the now. He was the James, with Bucky as his past and the blood staining his bones from his time as the Asset isn’t as noticeable.

“You are human.” The other man says simply.

Simple, like everything in life is just simple. Nothing in life, especially his life had been simple. Memories rage in his mind. He remembers his hand around necks. He remembers his finger pulling trigger. He remembers, and those memories are anything but simple. Neither are the inhuman emotions that are attached to the actions.

It makes his head hurt; his hands go to his head.

Steve reaches for him and he flinches away.

The James bristles. “Don’t you dare. You don’t know…all of the blood and damage that the…I caused. I’ve been tainted, and with her I can focus,” he pauses to catch his breath. Why does it feel like he’s run a marathon? “I can pretend that I’m just a normal guy, that I’m not a monster that terrorized the world for years without any control over my actions. With her, my name is James. My name is James.”

And when the James is done, he feels raw and open and he regrets his decision to come here. “I have to go,” he rasps.

Steve nods. “I’m glad you came today, James.”

The James nods and he’s off again. He practically runs away.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**In Leah’s Apartment**

**With Leah**

She doesn’t know why she picks up the phone, especially after the conversation she had with her mother not too long ago, but she does. She forgoes pleasantries though. “Seth.”

He does too. “I miss you.”

And that makes her want to cry. His voice sounds so innocent, reminding her of the little boy who used to sneak into her room when it rained and stormed outside. She wants so badly to be able to say she missed him too, but she doesn’t want to lie. He doesn’t deserve the lies. To be completely honest, she hasn’t missed her home or the people there. To be completely fair, though, she hasn’t enjoyed herself in her travels or the people she encountered along the way (with one exception of course). She wasn’t even excited about being in the Big Apple. The one good thing was about being here is that she found an appreciation for music and comfort.

Music had become a lifeline. She found time to listen to it all of the time. She listened to old school music that she remembered her dad listening to (Jamie liked listening to those). She crooned along to sad songs for some reason (Jamie always got a small, sad little smile when she sang). She cried to Luther Vandross’s “Dance with My Father” (Jamie wrapped his arms around her). She bobbed her head to rock music (he did too).

Comfort only comes when the James, Jamie as she likes to call him in her head, is with her. He just sits quietly as they get lost in music. She knows he has his own demons. When he falls asleep on her shoulder, he mumbles and grumbles. But she doesn’t press. She doesn’t want to talk and it wouldn’t be fair to force him to either. So she just saps up all of the company he offers when he is near.

She hasn’t missed home, or anyone at home. And she doesn’t want to lie so she just replies with “I’m in New York City.” It’s a shameless change of topic but she doesn’t care.

And neither does Seth apparently because he just replies with a happy, “The Big Apple, huh. You been to Times Square yet?”

“No.”

“You should go, you know. And take pictures. I’ve always wanted to go. I wish you would have said something. Maybe I could have come with you or something. We could’ve painted the town red and had some fun.”

“Yeah,” she whispers back, her voice weak in comparison to his enthusiasm.

The line goes silent for a few seconds and the silence eats at her. That’s why she listens to music all of the time. It allows the numb feeling that always lingered to come back full force. And t makes up for it, she decides to speak, to say something, anything.

“I jumped off a building.” The words tumble out of her mouth, and like vomit they leave a bitter taste.

_‘Why did I say that?’_

And for some reason the silence that she interrupted picked back up again, though was it really silence if she could hear him breathing? So she tried to compensate and tell him everything was okay—was that even the word that described her? “But it’s okay. It’s okay. I didn’t die.” ‘J _amie…saved me’._

“I’m sorry. Seth, but I’m gonna get better, I promise. I’m gonna get better so I can come home, and I’ll be happy. And then we can come to New York City together and paint the town like you said.” She’s babbling like it makes a difference. It doesn’t.

She hears telltale sounds of sniffling on the other end of the line.

_‘Please don’t cry.’_ She wants to say, but he speaks first.

“Did I break you?” She wants to laugh. The question seems so childish, so innocent and so Seth. He has rose colored glasses that brightens up anything that he encounters. And to think that she was the reason for his sniffles—she doesn’t remember him crying since her dad’s funeral, though she can’t exactly say that she’s seen him/heard from all that much recently to know if that had changed.

“No…I’m not broken.” She cringes at the shakiness of her voice, but she has to reassure him that this wasn’t her fault. “I just need some time to work somethings out. I couldn’t do it at home. Everyone was so happy… You. Mom. Jake. Everyone. And whatever is happening to me, whatever is wrong with me—I couldn’t drag you into to it. I didn’t belong in your happiness and I couldn’t drag any of you down, especially you.”

She means it. Ever since she her mom had brought him home less than a decade ago, Leah knew that her little brother would always hold a special part of her heart. His happiness had come before her own, and even with all the shit that was happening to her, that didn’t change.

“Being here wasn’t good for you. That's why Carlisle helped you.” It’s not a question, and Leah wishes that she didn’t hear a silent ‘with me’ in the words. Despite their differences that had come from them growing older and into two independent beings, they had always been there for each other, though to be honest that had changed a little within the last few years or so.

“No, I’m sorry.” She can’t help apologizing, she can’t help it. “And yeah he did. Tell him I said thank you again, okay?”

“I will.” He pauses again for a second. He releases a huge sigh before he speaks again. You need help.”

She should feel insulted, but she can’t be. He’s right. She does. “I just want to be happy.” It’s the same thing that she said to her mother, and she meant it. She means it.

“It’ll happen okay?   You’ll get better and find happiness. It’ll happen.”

She had been dry-eyed throughout the entire conversation, but these words are what got to her. It was everything that she wanted her mother to day to her when they’d talked before. It reminded her of the things her father used to say to her as a child.

She mumbles an “I’ll call you sometime…later.”

And when the call is disconnected, she crumbles. She curls up on the floor, phone in her hand.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**(please set the mood by listening to Alessia Cara’s song “Stone”)**

**With The James**

After making sure he isn’t being followed, he makes his way back to her. And he’s damn near hyperventilating. His conversation with Steve is playing in his mind over and over again. With it comes more memories of his time as The Asset.

His mind and heart scream for solace, comfort and since he’d been free he’d only found that in one place. It’s not long before he’s at her window. And it seems like the heavy feeling weighing on his heart dissipates. She’s on the floor, lying down, and with his enhanced hearing he hears her sobs. The window closed, but he pries it open easily.

As soon as it’s open, he finds his place beside her. He’s overstepping his bounds, but with her he feels freer. He lies down behind her, wrapping his arm around her waist.

**With Leah**

When the arm’s wraps around her waist, she feels somewhat comforted. She scoots closer to him. She stares at the wall for a moment.

“Jamie, I wish life didn’t hurt so much.”

His arm tightens around her waist, and she takes it as a silent ‘Me too.’

Like always, they turn on music.

It's song that she hasn't heard ever. The girl sings about the world being uncertain and needing a stone. Leah couldn't help but desire for Jamie to be her stone. She doesn't know if she'll get better like she promised Seth earlier. But she wants to, and she wants him to be by her side as she does. She desires to have a friend, a partner, someone to rely on as she tried to get better. And she wants to be there for him and help him through whatever he was going through. It's probably unfair to want something so certain, to ask so much of him, in her world of unknown but as a wise man or woman said somewhere a long time ago that 'The heart wants…' and her heart decided that she wants this, him to be beside her as he is now.

At some point, she finds herself facing him, looking straight into those blue-grey eyes and she finds herself gravitating more into his personal space until their lips were touching. And for the first time in a long time, she feels like it's the best thing she could've done.

When his mouth moves against hers, she finds that she doesn't regret it.

**Ending Quote of the Day: Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational. ~Hugh Mackay**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I can honestly say that I don’t know what the hell I just wrote or if it’s any good. I wanted to show their relationship, but I don’t know if I moved to too fast or not.  
> Tell me what you think. I tried a new way to display the translations (still from Google, let me know if they’re terrible) at the request of a reader on FF.net, so tell me if they detract from the story or look weird. I didn’t really proofread so let me know if the mistakes are too plentiful to bear. Let me know if I should rewrite.  
> Thank you for reading!  
> ~Kurenai Cakes


	5. Cries for Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Leah and James are forced to face their issues, though James's issues are at the forefront.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's Note: Hey, guys. I’m sorry that it took me so long to get this out. School has been kicking my ass and stressing me out. I’m an emotional mess. I’ve just been going through a phase (like on and off life crisis) of crippling loneliness that just makes me like break down and cry for no apparent reason sometimes. And then I feel stupid for breaking down because me going through the motions isn’t a real problem. There are more people in the world with more problems than just being a lonely stupid college student, ya know. But in dealing with this story—my problems aren’t half as bad as the ones I write and my life is nowhere as dramatic but I guess the sentiment counts and I’ve also resigned my fate to being single and lonely— I have been having to confront a lot of my own personal demons (insecurity, sadness, loneliness, self-doubt, fear). In the beginning it was sort of easy, but as the story keeps growing and I realize how much of a mess that I am, and I guess that it been a trial to process that information.   
> Sorry for this stupid ramble and pity party. Onward to the story. Please, as always let me know if the chapter doesn’t live up to any expectations. I didn’t really proofread so let me know if the mistakes are too plentiful to bear.  
> Oh, and Happy Halloween Everyone or if it’s November 1st where you live Please have a good Día de Los Muertos. And if you don’t celebrate Halloween or Día de Los Muertos, Happy October 31st /November 1st.   
> ~Kurenai Cakes

**The Songs of the Day: Bubbly- Colbie Caillat: I’ll Be Good–Jaymes Young; My Demons-Starset**

**(If you guys never listen to any of the other songs that I use as inspiration, these are some of the best ones in my opinion.)**

**Beginning Quote of the Day: When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt**

* * *

 

**Chapter 5: Cries for Help**

**Leah and James’s Apartment**

**With Leah**

The next time she hears from Seth is the next morning. It’s a text that simply says “I love you. Hope that you have a good day.” The sound of the message alert woke her up, and she found herself unable to go back to sleep. She can’t really put the blame solely on Seth though, especially as her mind flashes back to what transpired the night before. So she just resigned herself to the fate of being awake and turned searched for some soft melodic music to listening to. And of course she just had to choose a playlist that decided the Colbie Caillat’s “Bubbly” was the best intro song to play. She can feel a tingly feeling in her toes and she feel like a stupid little girl.

Rolling over, she looks at the man beside her. His chin length hair is a mess across his face, but she can see the outline of his stubble clad jaw. And as she takes the sight of him, she finds her hand reaching to touch his face. That was probably one of the creepiest things she had ever thought of doing, but she couldn’t help it.

She and Jamie had kissed, and it was one of the best things that happened to her lately. This fact combined with the text Seth sent her filled her with hope. She had hope that she could find a way to have a good day. A hand intercepted hers, and she find herself jumping. How could she not? The hand that clutched her belonged to the man who had helped her feel again. Looking down at the face of the man who held her hand. His eyes were a little unfocused at first but pretty soon, they are gazing intently into her own. He brings her hand to his mouth, kissing the palm. Her insides feel as if they are melting into a puddle of goo. And she knows that smile the come upon her face is nothing short of embarrassing. But that’s okay.

His lips find hers and she places her hand on the back of his hand. She threads her fingers through the shiny black locks and pulls him closer.

**.**

**.**

**A few weeks later**

**With James…With Hints of The Asset**

One night, The Asset awakens with a jerk. The room is pitch black and The Asset feels as if the walls are closing in. It’s always dark before they try to put him back to sleep, and The Asset feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand at attention. The Asset won’t go back. The Asset is done being a puppet.

 An unknown variable is in the room with The Asset. The Asset’s mind supplies an answer to the unspoken question, ‘who was it’, with the word **enemy.** The Asset has a lot of enemies, and the best way to combat them was to kill them before they took him back to the cold.  Wrapping his hand around the ‘unknown’s’ neck, The Asset squeezed. The Asset reveled in the stuttered breathing and the kicking legs. Nails found purchase in The Asset’s flesh hand while the ones that tried to pierce into his metal hand just slipped.

The Asset hissed, “Я никогда не вернусь” (I will never go back).

The body beneath him goes lax for a few seconds before it suddenly arches up, pushes The Asset back. The Asset’s body is hurled somewhat through the air only to tumble to the ground. By the time he picks himself up, the body has jumped up from the bed. It’s a woman, if the curvy figure that shows through the form fitting t-shirt is any indication. She’s crouches into a somewhat defensive position, gearing up for a fight. The stance she has is untrained and loose, meaning The Asset will have the clear advantage.

“Jamie.” The woman calls, and the hazy feeling that clouds his mind lifts a bit. His head pounds a little. A face flashes before The Asset’s eyes, and feels that he knows her but The Asset stomps it down with the thought _‘this is a trick, they want to put you back to sleep’_

“Я никогда не вернусь” (I will never go back).

“Jamie,” she calls once more, desperation lacing her voice.

The Asset ignores her and just pulls out the knife that he always kept strapped to his leg. Knife in hand, The Asset rushes toward her only to have her grab the knife with her hand. As he tries to overpower her, The Asset somehow leans closer to her face. When The Asset gets a clear view of her face, The Asset –James—suddenly remembers everything.

Leah. He’s at home with Leah. He is James, Jamie.

The sound of blood dripping on the floor catches his attention. Then he realizes that he was holding a knife. And she was bleeding.

The knife clatters to the floor and he can feel the stinging sensation of saltwater in his tear ducts.

“прости” (I’m Sorry)

She whispers a weak, “It’s okay.”  Then he remembers that he had tried to choke her. That almost brings him to his knees.

“прости” (I’m Sorry)

“прости” (I’m Sorry)

He feels her eyes look at him hesitantly, and he realizes that she’s afraid of him.

**…**

**With Leah**

She sitting on the counter and the sound of fabric ripping permeates the room. His shirt is in shreds, impromptu bandages by the looks of it. His hands are shaking, and she can smell saltwater in the air.

 “Jamie, there’s no need. I’m alright.”

He ignores her just as he did before. She’s wary of him, but his eyes aren’t glazed over as they were before. So she doesn’t think he’ll freak out again. He grabs her hand with his own shaking one before taking it and tune on the faucet. He rinses the dark crusty blood that had dried during their time in the bathroom. The cut is still there, though its rapidly healing if the tightening of the skin on her hand where the cut serves as any indication.

She hears his breath hitch and he whispers pitifully. She doesn’t have her phone out, but she gets the gist. He’s apologizing.

And when he slides to the floor, she ignores her wariness. She can’t help but follow him to the floor, making sure to wrap her arms around her like he’d done to her so many times.

“It’s okay.” She pleads, trying to force him to believe her. He doesn’t pull his head from her neck, so she pulls back from him and puts her hand to his face. The cut is almost gone now.

“Look, Jamie. I’m alright. It’s healing”

He is silent, but he never takes his eyes off of her hand. As he stares at the healing process, she finds his blue-grey eyes looking wide and astonished, and realize that this is so personal. The wolf thing, even though she hated it had been her savior in a way. She had called upon the spirits in her time of need to get for her wolf to lend her its strength—without it, there was no doubt that she wouldn’t have been strong enough to fend him off. And she can’t help but feel like she had come to another crossroads. Something she thought was bad had saved her, and someone she had come to care for had almost killed her.

Eventually, she talks him into getting off the floor and joining her in bed. He went to the far left side of the bed, as far from her as possible. She should be fucking terrified, but she can’t bring herself to be. She knows its irrational. But she knows that he didn’t mean it—that pretty much how every abusive relationship began.  There was something wrong with him. People who were okay didn’t wake up and try to their girlfriend. (was she his girlfriend?) …but it wasn’t like she was the perfect example of mental health. Those who were okay, didn’t try to jump off of buildings. And she understood having nightmares. She had them and she knew that it wasn’t easy to deal.

Her thoughts were quickly falling into a pit of despair, _‘Ugh, why am I thinking about this.’_

It didn’t take her long to realize that the room was practically silent. The only thing that could be heard was their breathing. There was no music…music was their escape, and they needed an escape especially with the night they had.

With trembling fingers, she reached for her cellphone, which had sat unaffected by the commotion that had previously happened.

**…**

**With James**

This was a song he had never heard before. She must not have heard it either if the fact that she wasn’t humming or singing along were any indication.

“I thought I saw the devil, this morning looking in the mirror.”

He wasn’t a saint. Not before Hydra, but he was so tainted now. He was the epitome of having a devil within. The seed of anger and destruction that Hydra housed inside of him plagued and haunted him every moment of every day.

“I never meant to make you bleed. I'll be a better man today. I'll be good, I'll be good”

He never meant to hurt her. And the fact that she didn’t send him away meant that she had to understand that, but it didn’t stop him from feeling guilty. And he only wanted to be good. Good to her. Be a good man. Maybe even learn to be a good friend to Steve.

He just wanted to be good.

The song changed, and once again he was transported by the lyrics. “Mayday! .... They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling. They're all around me, Circling like vultures. They wanna break me and wash away my colors. Wash away my colors!”

Maybe he was crazy. There was no being good anymore. Hydra had taken so much from him. And tonight even though he was free from them, they still managed to try and take something from him. His nightmares felt so real. He knew that they were just dreams but waking up from one, always made him feel like he was still with them. Like they were draining the color of the world and transforming it into a wash of blacks, greys and reds. And he’d almost painted her red.  

Why did his demons try and come to suffocate him at the worst time? He was so happy with her, so happy.  And he wanted to stay like that. He wanted to always be like that with her. It was naïve, and he had lost the ability to be naïve long ago. But he could…would pretend that his live could be normal as long as they were side by side.

“Save me if I become. My demons!”

It was selfish…but he just wanted to be saved. He didn’t want to succumb to the grey and red. He wanted to be weak. He craved for someone to hold him up even after he crumbled. It was so hard trying to stand alone.

It was hard trying to sleep alone.

He found himself moving away from the left side of the bed towards her. For a few seconds, he tried to just lie beside her but the desire to hold her won out and he wrapped his arm around her waist. He wanted her to save him.

She rolls over to face him, and she brings her mouth to his. Her kiss is sweet, her lips softly melding with his. And he thinks _‘I never want this to end.’_

He wanted to be her Jamie. He wanted to be saved from his demons and be a good man.

**.**

**The Next Day**

**With Leah**

She didn’t sleep. Actually couldn’t was more like it. Her thoughts were rampant. There was something wrong with the both of them. And they needed help. Knowing that and wanting to actively seek help were two completely different things though. She also knew that she couldn’t force him to get it. She could only actively seek it for herself and hope that he would open day join her in the quest to get better.

Seth texted her again (it had become a daily thing to wake up to a text wishing her to have a good day and that he loved her.) Today it was: “I love you. Have a good day. Make sure to smile.”

After the night that she had, she didn’t think she had the capability to smile. But she wanted to smile. For herself, for Seth, for Jamie.

She wanted them to be okay. And maybe the only way for that to happen was for her to talk to someone. Picking up her phone, she called the first person that had come to mind.

Jacob.

She hadn’t talked to him in over half a year, almost ten months really. And she couldn’t really place the strange desire to want to speak to him, but maybe this was a part of the healing process that she was trying to embark on.

“Hello” She hadn’t been prepared to hear his voice. She abandoned him and the pack that he had taken the time to make her feel like she was a vital part of—he had made her his second in command for goodness sake!

She stuttered out a pathetic, “He-hey.”

“How ya doin?” He tried to sound so friendly, but she could hear the hesitation in his voice. And there was only one thing that could’ve made him sound like that.

Like an idiot, she began to hyperventilate a little. “Seth told you.”

“Yeah” he replied his voice low. He tried to backtrack quickly and said quickly, “but he didn’t want to, not at first. This has been eating him up, ya know. And he wants you…WE want you to get better.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She was so sick of apologizing, but she couldn’t help it.

“I know, beta. But I need you to know that you have nothing to to apologize for.”

“I left Seth…I left you and the pack.”

“I did the same thing before Bella got married. I’m not allowed to throw stones.”  He pauses once again and there is silence for a few seconds. “I just wished you would’ve let us know what was going on through your head.”

There is really nothing she could’ve have said to that. She probably should have given them a heads up about the craziness that flowed through her head but at the time she really hadn’t been thinking about. That was undoubtedly selfish. She tries to speak on a more hopeful subject.

 “I’m working on it. Everything...me. But there is so much wrong…I don’t think that I can do it, **fix me** by myself.” her voice is a whisper now. “I think that I need to go see a therapist.”

“There is nothing wrong with that.”

And in that moment, she never wanted to hug Jacob Black more.

* * *

**Ending Quote of the Day: I'm on a constant path of self-discovery and change. I'm trying to become a better person, a nicer person. I love therapy - it's brilliant. ~Julia Sawalha**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this chappy didn’t suck too bad. Let me know what you think. Thank you for reading and the kudos.  
> Please remember that all translations come from Google so let me know if they suck too bad or if I need to nix them altogether. Have a safe and Happy Halloween or Día de Los Muertos.  
> ~Kurenai Cakes


	6. Misguided Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah starts therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go guys. Sorry this kinda sucks, but here we go.  
> ~Kurenai Cakes  
> (I posted this like two weeks ago on FF.net and forgot to post it here. My bad)

**Musical Inspiration: Misguided Ghosts- Paramore**

**Beginning quote of the Day: Every human walks around with a certain kind of sadness. They may not wear it on their sleeves, but it's there if you look deep. ~Taraji P. Henson**

* * *

 

**Chapter 6: Misguided Ghosts**

* * *

 

**With Leah**

 She’s clutching his hand. She is probably hurting him—ever since the incident with him she and her wolf had become closer and her super strength had somewhat returned, even though she really didn’t want it to—but he doesn’t show any signs of being in pain. They’re standing outside of a building that houses a therapist’s office.

She turns to him, and he just smiles. It’s encouraging, and she can’t help but smile back at him. He’s wishing her good luck. He doesn’t say it, and even if he did she probably wouldn’t understand as her phone, ahem translator, was in her back pocket. They stand there for a few minutes before she feels courage swell within her heart.

“I think I’m ready.”

**.**

**.**

The next thing she knows, she sitting on a couch wringing her hands in front of her. A man—her therapist, Dr. Andrews—is sitting in front of her, his dark brown eyes peering at her in an inquisitive but understanding manner. And Leah can’t help but want to sneer and hate him for looking at her like that. But she knows that she had come to him, paid him for this...to talk.  “Leah,” it feels weird that she’s on a first name basis with her therapist but when he called her ‘Miss Clearwater,’ she felt like an old woman. “Tell me a little about yourself.”

She sits there staring at him like he’s grown a second head. There was nothing really to tell, and she point that fact out to him, only to have him smile and says “Humor me.”

She guessed that she should at least get her money’s worth.

So she decides that she has to talk.

And she begins. She’s the eldest and only daughter of Harry and Sue Clearwater. She has a little brother, Seth. She goes on to tell him that her family. They were normal until her father died and she and Seth came into an inheritance that ultimately pretty much changed their lives, hers for the worst and his for the better. She misses her dad. Seth and her mother are just moving on and she’s been trapped in the memories with a gigantic metaphorical hole in her heart. She had to leave, which led to her spending time on the road until she made it to New York. The hole didn’t stop growing and she ultimately decided to settle down in New York only to end up standing on a roof, ready to end her pointless life.

“Can you explain why you felt that your life is pointless?”

She found that she is choked up about. It’s like how she felt with Seth.

“I don’t know,” she mumbles, and in the next few moments her life flashes before her eyes.

By the end of this session— _Dammit it’s only the 1 st one. He must think I’m crazy_— she ends up on the floor hyperventilating. She still doesn’t know exactly why she wanted to jump off the building. She can’t even answer the nice man’s question. She just whines and breathes deeply as he tells her to put her head on her knees and breathe with him. She feels like she’s failed at a test or something. He’d only asked her to tell him about herself, and she freaked out like an idiot.

He tells her that’s okay, that they’ll figure it out together.

That’s just session one. There are many more to come.

**With James**

**S** he comes home after the meeting with the therapist. And look of total exhaustion on her face makes him want to go back to find that bastard and make him pay for making her look like that. He was supposed to be helping her, not making her break out into tears as soon as she comes in the door!

But before he could carry out his self-imposed mission to kill her therapist, her arms wrapped around him and she mumbles “Jamie, can we just lie down for a while?”

She’s looking up through her long, tearstained eyelashes, and it’s enough to stop him from carrying out his mission right now. He lifts her a bit and her legs wrap around his waist. He carries her to the bed, where she crawls to the left side and shuffles under the cover and lifts the right side of the cover for him to crawl underneath. He does and he pulls her close. 

She sniffles a couple of time before burying her head in his neck. It’s silent for a few minutes, and she sniffles again. In an attempt to quell the upcoming wave of tears that are sure to come if she is allowed to let her mind wander in the silence, he takes one of his hands and runs it down to the left back pocket of her jeans and pulls out her cellphone.

He goes to the playlist that they’ve been building for a while and plays a random song. 

**_“I’m going away for a while and I’ll be back don’t try and follow me…”_ **

He was in luck. She knew the song and her voice began to harmonize with the singer. As always it is beautiful.  “We are just misguided ghosts traveling endlessly~”

 

The song flows and she calms down. It goes quiet for a second before she whispers. “I think this may be good for me. Maybe you can talk to someone about your demons too,”

And he thinks that maybe he should—he is like the song said…misguided.

* * *

 

**Ending Quote of the Day: One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. ~Bob Marley**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s it guys. Sorry it’s so short but I promised a friend that I would post. I promise to be better next time. Also I didn’t really proofread so let me know if my mistakes are too much to bear. Standard things apply. Let me know what you think or if I should rewrite. Thank you for reviews and kudos.  
> ~Kurenai Cakes


	7. Courage of Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They both actively seek to better themselves, while simultaneously discovering that there is more to their relationship that they first thought. (Sucky summary, but the actual chapter is better).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sort of edited the last chapter, only added a new paragraph and quotes, but I wanted to let you know of the change just in case you wanted to go back read it.  
> I’m going try and get a new chapter up in a week (on my B-day!). Wish me luck!  
> New Chapter! Enjoy…Hopefully!  
> ~ Kurenai Cakes

**Musical Inspiration: Turn it Off - Paramore**

**Beginning quote of the Day:** **There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.  ~Bryant H. McGill**

* * *

**Chapter 7: Courage of Truth**

* * *

 

**Dr. Andrews Office**

**With Leah**

It’s another day…a different week and she’s still willing to talk. So here she is again, on his couch, wringing her hands as she tells him how close she and her family were before her dad died—actually she tells them how close she, her little brother, and dad were before bad shit happened.

“We would always hang out when we were younger with dad. Mom was always busy with other stuff. I knew she loved us, but it was sort of stifled now that I think about it. Seth and I were always with dad. It was like he determined to spend as much time with us as possible. One summer, he decided to show both of his kids how to fish, and when I was ten and Seth was about 6, we went fishing every weekend it wasn’t raining. We would have movie nights and watch Food Network even though none of us knew exactly what the hell kind of dishes we were looking at. It was hilarious every time we decided to try to make them. The kitchen wa always a mess and like the Three Stooges, we were always covered in something weird.  She joined us sometimes but most of the time she was off doing her other thing. She was there for the important stuff, I guess. She went to our graduations, my soccer games and Seth’s basketball games with dad.” Leah can’t help but feel her heart break as she thinks about of the fun times she and Seth had only with their dad. Where the hell had Sue been? “And eventually like an idiot, I had to discover boys and decide that hanging out with  Seth and Dad every weekend was a major waste of time.” she chuckled ruefully at that. If only she had never strayed, her life could’ve looked a little less regretful.

This of course leads to the fact that she had a boyfriend, Sam, for a while until he dumped her for her cousin, Emily. For some reason, her thoughts linger on this tidbit. She probably goes too in depth. It’s something that haunts her for some reason, and she just vomits the words that jump from her mouth as she tries to explain why she can’t forgive them right now.

“Then I find out that their soulmates. You know that’s fine, except I thought we were going to be together forever and then one day it just ends. He had to be with her, my cousin. But everyone just thought I was supposed to just get over it; he was the guy I have my virginity to.” She pauses as she feels the burn of saltwater.  She clinched her hands at her sides, the sting of her nails biting into her a flesh serving a reminder

She selfishly thinks _‘What was I supposed to be? How was I supposed to feel when the fucking Spirits thought that they would make a better couple than we would. And then I’m forced to transform into a wolf—being privy to his love for her and being forced to follow him. How was I ever supposed to feel good about this?’_

“And yeah, I hold a grudge…the way it ended…the reason he ended it.  Who wouldn’t hold a grudge though?  He thinks that I’m supposed forgive him, them. I hate them sometimes, a lot of the time. And I don’t want anything to do with them because it’s not fair, wasn’t fair. I mean I know life is supposed to suck sometimes but I feel that that was just cruel and unusual. Because if they were supposed to be soulmates, what was I supposed to be, a bump in the road on their way to finding each other? How is there a Brightside to that for me in that scenario?”  Yeah she had been bitter. Hell honestly, she is still bitter.

Being angry hadn’t done a lot for her though. “I was so angry at the world. I pushed almost everyone who tried to help away. Seth had just decided that it was a waste of time to try and help—he’d just discovered girls and had no time for my problems.  Mom didn’t really want to deal with it. She thought it was just puppy love. Dad, though, he never let me push him away. He listened as I raged for years. And the year I turned nineteen, he died.” She paused her story again as her ability to talk was being obstructed by a lump that had developed him her throat.

Dr. Andrews moves and she is being handed a handkerchief.  ‘ _God I miss that man!’_ She thinks ruefully, as she brings the cloth to wiper her eyes. She forces herself to continue, weaving a sort of half-truth into her story in order to skirt around telling Dr. Andrews about the shifter aspect of her life. “And then I was forced to become a part of a world without him, and I had all of this new responsibility. I had to work with Sam, Seth, Jacob and some other guys to help our people. I had been struggling to get over him ad Dad. But then I was forced to work with him, and by extension see Emily and him together.”

“I don’t want to see them walk down the aisle with happiness on their face. I don’t want to see them be happy when she finally gets pregnant. I don’t want to watch them get old together because I’ll know that…I’ll always feel like she’s getting the life I always wanted with him. I wish I could be happy for them. I wish I could hug her on her wedding day and congratulate her, both of them. I wish I could throw her a baby shower and be that cousin who want to double as godmother. But I can’t. Am I a bad person?”

Dr. Andrews tells her no, that people grieve and handle stress differently.

She cries again because that’s always what she wanted her mom and Seth to say. Her dad was the only one who said it to her.  With him being gone, she had just wanted someone else to understand like this. Jamie was sort of out of the question as she hadn’t fully divulged her past with him as she had wanted to enjoy the new sensations of the present; the kissing was nice and she didn’t want to focus on anything besides being his arms. And maybe that was truly selfish, but how could she deny this small sliver of relief that he provided?

_‘Don’t think about it too much. You like him and enjoy his company. There is nothing wrong with that.’_

Dr. Andrews tells her that grief and anger while not positive are an inescapable part of life. Acknowledging this pain would be the first step to helping her deal with it and finding a way to forgiving Sam, Emily, Seth, her mom and even herself. She leaves Dr. Andrews feeling lighter than she had in a few months.

On the way back home, she somehow finds the courage to text both Sam and Emily: “Than you for worrying about me in the beginning of all of this. I know that our situation isn’t normal by any means, and I’ve been terrible. It may never go back to how we were. I’m working on forgiving you. It might take a while, but I am trying.”

Neither person texts back right off, and she is sort of glad.

She arrives home, only to find Jamie waiting for her on the bed. It had become a sort of ritual for him to be waiting up for her. He never says anything, only opens his arms and they collapse in bed with music playing in the background.

**..::..**

**About a Week Later**

**With James**

He’s sitting on another random bench. It’s raining, but it feels good on his warmer than normal, just another side effect of being a super soldier skin, he pays the cool rain no mind. Before he’d left home—he has a home now; he can’t remember the last time when he’d had a home—she’d given him her umbrella. She was off and had no plans to venture into the storm, so with a kiss on the cheek, she sent him on his way. (That was something that he loved about her. She never questioned him. He kept odd hours sometimes, and she never once asked where he was going we he felt the need to stretch his legs or to escape when he had a nightmare and was terrified that he would hurt her more so than he did the first time.)

As always, he doesn’t have to wait long before a broad shouldered man in a baseball cap, jeans and rain jacket sits on the bench beside him.

“We gotta stop meeting like this,” the other man jokes, and James can’t help but smile.

They sit in silence for a while before James works up the courage to say, “Sometimes I remember…sometimes it’s about when I was good, when I was Bucky…and then other times, majority of the time, I remember the bad things that I did…the innocent people that I hurt with my own two hands” he pauses to lick his lips. “I nearly hurt her a few weeks ago when I remembered something.”

“Is she” the other man pauses, and Jams know he’s trying to tread lightly “she alright?”

“Yeah, she snapped me out of it before I could” he paused feeling his throat close up a little. “I…could’ve…I could’ve killed her.”

The other man is facing him now, and without even turning toward Steve, James cannot find the strength to look him in the eyes, especially with the words that would no doubt hurt his old friend to hear.  “She’s the one good that I have found since I have been my own,” as soon a he said the words he tried to backtrack in order to not step on the blonde’s toes. “I know that meeting you again is a good thing too but she is mine as James, and she doesn’t ask a lot of me…I need her, but I know that if I don’t work on myself and try to work on the shit that’s in my head I will lose her—this thing, it’s good. I need to talk to someone.”

A palm is placed on his shoulder, making a small noise as it sunk into the windbreaker’s fabric. Turning his head, James looks at Steve, only to find the other man smiling at him. James let out an internal sigh of relief as he knew the man understood what he was saying without actual words ‘Help me. “Of course, I will help you, James. I know a guy—you’ve seen him before.”

**..::..**

 

**With Leah and James**

They’re in bed again staring at each other like idiots without listening to music.

 This has been happening every morning for the past couple of weeks.  After getting up to use the bathroom and brush their teeth, they collapse back into bed. Neither person is willing to move again, so they just lie there, eyes on each other basking in the sunlight the has managed to filter through the window. It should be weird…the silence. Silence between them was usually always filled with music because silence made them uncomfortable. This silence isn’t oppressive and they both bask in it.  Eventually though, something changes as his face takes on a worried expression, he breaks eye contact first and one of his hands, the one that always had a glove on it, fumbles on the bedside table blindly. He finds her phone, and his hands are practically shaking. He begins typing.

It takes a few seconds before he finally gets finished. He turns the phone around, and she has to take the phone from him to see the translated words.

_“I am going to see someone.”_

She pulls her eyes away from the cellphone to look at him. His dark hair, which is well beyond shoulder length—come to think of it, her is too—is shading his eyes as his eyes are nowhere to be found.  He’s looking off to the side. She places the cellphone back on the bed, brings her right hand up slowly to touch his face. He flinches a bit before he leans into her touch.

“This is a good thing. We are gonna get better,” she whispers, her voice full of hope. He turns his head, his eyes suspiciously shiny. Instinctively, hers do the same for some odd reason.

**..::..**

 

**With Leah**

It takes her a few more sessions to realize something. It’s funny sometimes how life works. The people you’ve known your whole life or have known for a long time…sometimes they don’t know a thing about you. They think they understand. They assume to understand you, but they truly never understand your motivations, your words, your actions. You become a stranger. Home becomes a plastic bag over your head that suffocates you every time you try to refill your tortured lungs with precious oxygen.

It’s not a change that happens overnight. It’s gradual; you grow up and change as they do. And one day, you’re sitting somewhere, in a room full of people you’ve known for so long and feeling like the odd man out. You don’t understand why you can’t grasp their jokes. You don’t understand why everyone belongs there and you don’t. You’re the anomaly, and it hurts. This is your family, and you become a very distant living-dead relative, a specter—connected by blood and ancestors but not much else. **(Real Life Questions from the author: Has anyone else felt this? And if you have does this feeling ever go away?)** Knowing this, it eats at you. Day and night, you feel yourself being hollowed out until you’re just a shell, physically there for show but mentally and emotionally vacant from reality.

So you, try to find a new place. But as a whole, new people don’t need you. They’d had lives before you’d gotten there, and the broken shard that you are doesn’t fit anywhere on the completed sculpture of their lives. You’re always adrift. And you keep feeling like that, like a zombie until someone/something awakens you, bringing you back to life. You go from feeling hollow, to feeling like you’re waking up from a nap. This of course segments into something that she had been loath to speak about. Her present feelings.

With a fluttering heart and a small amount of trepidation, she continues, “That’s how Jamie makes me feel” She whispers with a small smile, looking Dr. Andrews in his eyes. “He’s fucked up too…he’s not perfect, but I don’t feel alone with him.”

_‘I love him so much’_ she thinks.

**..::..**

**With James**

Two weeks after his talk with Steve, James is formally introduced to Sam Wilson, aka wanna be bird aka Falcon aka I’m a therapist or some shit in my spare time. It was a rocky start.

The first session ended in him staring at the floor while the other man waited for him to speak. He didn’t know where to start and he had no idea how to do this despite the kind superhero’s words. “Take your time. I am here to help you.”

James didn’t know how to respond to that, and after 40 minutes of silence, he went home feeling like a failure. So to soothe himself, he crawled into bed beside her and fell into a restless sleep.

The next morning during their morning routine of staring at one another, he grabs the phone and hesitantly type into it once more.

“I couldn’t talk to him.”

And of course, she is a gentle and encouraging as always. She pulls him close and whispers, “going was the first step. You’ll find a way to talk to him eventually”

A few days later when he meets with Sam Wilson again he does just that.

**.:.**

“I’ve done some bad things. I know That It happened when I was under their control, but sometimes I remember…”

The session only lasts for about thirty minutes before a wave of panic seizes him.  He finds the room to stifling, overall unsafe, so he decides to bolt.

_‘Home. Home. Home.’_ His mind chants. Home is safe. Home isn’t constantly filled with bad. Home is Leah. All he wants is Leah. He winds up running away from the building that he was told to meet Wilson. His legs quickly take him back to where he woke up this morning. Running up the rickety stairs to their apartment, he quickly uses the key that she gave him weeks ago to enter. She’s in the kitchen, her back is to him and she is making grilled cheese by the smell of it. He walks straight up to her, turning off the flame and wraps his arms around her without turning her around. She doesn’t startle. She places her arms on top of his, where they are perched on her abdomen.

“Tough session?” she whispers, her voice light and raspy from what he knows to be disuse. (She takes a nap in the middle of the day, knowing that her shift will run from 10 pm to 4 am.)

Unable to find words, he nods, the tears he didn’t know he was holding back falling down his face and into the crevice of her neck where his head his nestled. She begins to sway; it’s a small, gentle motion with rhythm that he quickly catches on to. It should be weird, them swaying in the kitchen while the residual heat frying pan burns the side of the bread she was toasting for her grilled cheese.

“It’ll get better. It gets better, okay? We’ll get better.” She says it with such finality that he has no choice but to believe her.

Eventually, she taps one of his arms, and he loosens his grip. She turns around, wipes the tear from his eye, and wraps her arms around him once again. It’s silent for a while before she begins to sing softly **_“I scraped my knees while I was praying and found a demon in my safest haven, seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything …”_** he sorts of zones out as he thinks about how she always knows the right words, the right song to explain how he feels. Her next words ring true.   **_“And the worst part is before it gets any better, we're headed for a cliff. And in the free fall I will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom.”_**

He takes a look down at her, silently thankful for the slight height difference, and he finds that he is staring at the most beautiful girl in the world. He knows then that he is in love and there is no turning back. She is his endgame, his HOME and he NEEDS to get better for her, them. Unable to stop himself, he kisses her, putting all of the passion that she ignited within him to use to try and show her how much she meant. He must’ve been doing something right as she didn’t push back, her arms tightening around him to draw him closer. Feeding off of her passion, he reaches for the hem of the tank top she wore to bed, and she doesn’t stop him and actually helps him remove her shorts. Soon they divest him of his clothes, and they are both in their underwear. He grabs her hand and leads her to the bedroom where they spend hours worshiping each other.

* * *

**Ending quote of the Day:** **You can't blame gravity for falling in love. ~Albert Einstein**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music sort of takes a backseat in this one, but I hope the lack of it didn’t detract too much. And let me know again if this moving too fast, especially that last scene. This chapter sort of gained a mind of its own with a completely different momentum that I had planned. Thank you for the kudos and comments. Please tell me what you think. The standard stuff applies: I’ll rewrite if need be. If I have glaring typos let me know. It’s after 4 am here and I should be sleeping but I’m doing this instead.  
> ~Kurenai Cakes
> 
> Optional Content/ Read ONLY IF YOU WANT TO  
> Civil War Rant and Question (I’m still pissed, sue me. And yes, I know it’s just a movie.)  
> I went to the Disney store recently with my friend and got into a joking argument with two really cool store clerks and my friend who are all Cap-stans. I am team Iron Man, and I must admit that during Civil War, he wasn’t perfect but I felt that he was the more right of the two. And I got to thinking do people really believe Cap was right or did they just love him so much that they were blinded to the asshole-ry he displayed in that movie. (The one thing one of the clerks and I agreed on was that Wanda sucks and Bucky had a hard life.)  
> Idk if any Cap-stans read this, but please give me your opinion if you do. Iron Man Stans please weigh in on the opposing argument. If the roles were reversed and Cap was pro-Accords and Tony was Anti-Accords—Logically, if the Anti-accords point of view was right, you would be Team Iron Man right? I asked my friend and she wouldn’t even answer because she KNEW THE TRUTH. Cuz let’s be honest, if that shit was reversed and Tony went on a spree to save a Winter Soldier Rhodey, hid that shit about the Winter Soldiers despite having someone recommending to put Cap in the loop and kept vital info about Cap’s parents secret, i.e. that Rhodey killed them, everybody would’ve been like: “IRON MAN NEEDS TO DIE FOR HIS BETRAYAL!” and they wouldn’t have thought twice about if in that final scene Cap killed Rhodey and Tony.  
> If it were reversed, I would’ve honestly been Team Cap (and I fucking love Iron Man) because the Accords weren’t perfect but you can’t go gallivanting and destroying shit in different countries with innocent people getting caught in the crossfire without having to answer to someone even if it’s just to apologize for the destruction you cause even if its supposedly for a good reason. And you can’t preach about no secrets when you hide them from everyone else. He honestly proved how the very power he preached about being better held in hands could be corrupted if one’s personal ties were brought into play, yet he had the nerve to talk about politicians. Ha, the hypocrisy. (But then again Captain America is the embodiment of the US of A, and a lot of us sure are hypocrites, lol.)  
> But yeah the Rant is over, and if you made this far, I apologize for the rant. Please give me your opinion.


	8. Everything Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two steps forward. One step back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry it’s taken me so long to pump out a new chapter. It’s just been sort of hard to get myself in the mindset to write this chapter. I’ve been sorta down this past summer but not in the way that could help me write the story. And like an idiot I chose to wallow in self-pity and not do anything but waste time instead of doing something that could be a creative outlet for my fucked-up emotions. Now since classes have started up for me again, I’m drowning in being a college senior who really needs to get her shit together and figure out her life in the near distant future. That’s really no excuse, but I hope I got my point across—I’m a fucking mess. Sorry again for being so late on this.  
> ~Kurenai Cakes

**Beginning Quote: The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. ~Hubert H. Humphrey**

* * *

 

**Chapter 8 Everything Changes**

* * *

 

**With Leah**

The next time that she wakes, it’s to the sound of music. They’d been listening to various songs the night—morning really— before when they’d fallen into each other’s arms for the second time.

Apparently, her phone thought it was funny to play “Ay-ay-ay, Ay, Ay-ay-ay, Ay, Ay-ay-ay, Ay. Put you to bed, bed, bed. Put you to bed, bed, bed. Girl, change into that Victoria's Secret thing that I like”

The song seems mildly inappropriate, especially considering their previous activities. With warm cheeks, quickly she sits up grabbing the phone from the bedside table and quickly stops the song.

Once the room is quiet, she puts the phone back down. She them finds herself staring down at the man beside her. He’s asleep. She’s done this before—many times and the feeling of being a creeper has gradually faded— but now, for the first time, there aren’t any cloth barriers between them. He’s shirtless, gloveless after…you know. And she can’t help but stare. He has a metal arm. For a second she gets distracted by the well-worn metallic look of it, especially with the peculiar looking red star on it before her eyes catch something else. It’s connected to his shoulder, and there are angry, faded pinkish scars at the site of connection. It looks so painful. Unconsciously, her left hand reaches for it, only to have his other hand reach for hers. It’s like deja vu for a second. She knows that this has happened before under different circumstances, and as she wracks her brain to figure out how long ago something similar happened, he somehow maneuvers her until she’s once again lying of his naked chest. Allowing herself to sink into the warmth of skin-to-skin contact, of his chest that was so much lighter in tone than hers, she somehow misses that his metal hand grabbed her phone and typed a message one handed. Looking up at the phone that is being held above her face.

_“Do you want to know how I got it?”_

She reads it, and he somehow knows a soon as she is done because his hand and subsequently get lowered back to their sides.

She does want to know, but she feels that the tenseness of the muscles in his chest reveal that even if she does, he isn’t ready. So she goes with supportive because that’s what they do, support each other.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not ready to share. That’s how we are, right?” she replies, tilting her head to get a better look at his face, only to see his chin because he was looking up at the ceiling.

He brings the phone back up, this time to his face and he begins to type into the translator one handed and ends up showing her the message.

_“Yeah, but we have probably moved into sharing territory now don’t you think?”_

She snorts in return as she thinks about their naked bodies touching each other without any barriers at the moment. “Probably”

_“How did you get yours?”_

The words have her once again looking up only to see his ice blue-grey eyes staring back this time. His metal hand ghosts over the intricate wolf design on her right shoulder. She’s reminded of what that that wolf tattoo meant.

“It’s complicated,” she whispers, trying to think about how to explain what the brand mean without giving too much away. As such as she wanted to tell him about the werewolf thing, she couldn’t, shouldn’t, give away something that had been protected in the Quileute Tribe for centuries. It wasn’t just her secret to tell. So she had to be vague, “A few of us on the Reservation have them.”

It’s a brand, something that identifies the wolf shifters within the tribe…that she doesn’t tell him, and she doesn’t get a chance to feel bad about withholding the information about the tattoo representing the monstrosity—that she has finally stopped hearing in her head—lurking within her because he finds an opening for something else.

_“Reservation?”_

“Yeah, I’m from the Quileute Reservation in Washington.”

 _“Tell me about it?”_ is the reply he types.

And for some reason she begins to feel sentimental, telling him about her dad, Seth, her mom, Jacob, Embry, and Quil…all the good, stupidly fun, shit. She makes sure to bring up none of the bad relationships, the wolfy or vampy shit. Once or twice, she looks at him and he’s one step from bursting out and laughing, and she can’t help but smile at him as she tells him all the happy memories she shared with them. He listens, and laughs when she does.

While they are laughing, she realizes that even though she isn’t telling him everything it doesn’t matter. For some reason, she remembers only the happy things. Her mind doesn’t dwell on the sadness, and it doesn’t hurt as much.

**No one’s POV**

Continuing therapy was something that took a lot out of both of them sometimes. But coming home had always had a calming effect on both of them. Having someone beside you when you’ve had to relive the worst days of your life always lets you refocus and center on the positives that you had in the present.

Apparently, others took notice.

**A Few Months Later**

**With James**

Looking back on everything, in the beginning, it was hard.

**Flashback**

He’s in therapy. The room is covered in soft tones—creams, whites, light blues and greys. They’re in some building that Sam and Steve had rented out to make sure to give them some cover from any unwanted attention that would come from going out of the large Stark Tower that they called home. He supposes talking to Sam about his baggage. He remembers more of the people that he’s killed, the terrible things that he’s done while under Hydra’s thumb. He feels the guilt and sadness clawing at his mind once again, and he finds himself whispering, “I just want to get better.”

And he falls silent, allowing a silence that he knows that Sam would feel with his psychological musings that somehow help James deal with the shit in his head.

“As soldiers we all do things that haunt us for the rest of our lives…and with you being a POW and being forced to do those things for so long. There isn’t a cure; it’s something that you’ll live with for the rest of your life. But recovery is possible. It’s a journey that you have go on. You can’t completely forget what you’ve done; the nightmares, PTSD and flashbacks never truly go away. None of us can truly forget. On the flipside you can’t completely focus on what you did—it’ll consume you. You have out find some sort of balance, find something that can help you cope and work through the darkness that plagues you. And you gotta make sure that you keep talking about it, because that keeps you from self-destruct through denial”

James finds himself scoffing in his head. Sam was a fucking loon if he ever thought that James could forgive himself for all the sins he’d committed. His hands will always be stained with blood. Being with Leah was the only time he could ignore the bright red hands.

**End of Flashback**

Now, therapy is different. Sure, it still leaves him raw, but it doesn’t make him want to dig a hole and bury himself alive. He’s okay with talking.

“I understand what you were saying before. Some of the shit that I’ve did…done. It won’t go away. I know that I was under their control…that will never erase what I’ve done, but I at least understand that now.” He finds himself saying to Sam at the end of the session he was in.

The other man smiles, “That’s good. I told you man; it’s a journey. ”

When they get ready to leave, Sam puts a hand on his back—something that James finds himself not even tensing at because he’s comfortable enough with the man to know he won’t try to kill him. “Heard from Steve that you got a girl somewhere in the city.”

James snaps his head to look at the other man, who has a sly grin on his face. “That punk has a big mouth” he replies with a shake his head, though it must come off defensive as the other man removes his hand and hands it up with the other in a gesture of surrender.

“I didn’t mean any harm. Steve didn’t either by telling me.”

With a sigh, he replies with “I know, Sam. It’s just…I wanted to tell you on my own time. ”

“okay. She makes you happy?”

There are so many ways that he can answer that question: _‘Hell yes. She’s my world. There is nothing better than being naked with her…no barriers, just us sharing everything . I want to worship her for the rest of my life. God, I’m so in love with her and want to spend the rest of my fucking life with her.’_

By the time he processes it—he’s thought it before, but to think about blurting it out to Sam is a different story— he sees Sam’s grin widen. “That good huh?”

 _‘Better…So much better’_ , he thinks, though he immediately chastises himself. He feels his cheeks heat up, “She’s the best thing that’s happened to me since I was free. Being with her is peaceful.”

“Good” And just like the conversation was over.

.

.

After the session, he goes with Steve for hotdogs. 

“You’re even happier than when I saw you after the last session. Breakthrough?”

“You could say that.” he smiles a bit, and Steve smiles in turn.

“Your lady friend, huh?”

“You could say that.”

“You used to get that look before…” the blond pauses “Then though, there was a different dame every week and you never looked this star struck. Tell me about her. What’s her name?”

“Leah…she’s from Washington. And she’s the most beautiful girl that I’ve ever seen…” the evening passes as he tells his old best friend about the love of his life.

**With Leah**

She’s on the phone with Jacob and Seth. For some odd reason the two had decided to call her at the same time today. She’s in a good mood, not the just I had a break through with my shrink kind of thing …there was post coital bliss thrown in there as well and she was basking in it next to her partner, the man who’d become her rock and partner. He was her James. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she had just gotten out of the shower, and sitting in a robe that she had bought a few weeks ago on the bed.

“You sound better…like you’re doing better” Seth says at some point during their conversation.

He sounds hesitant, hopeful. And she can’t help but feel terrible for causing him to feel that uncertainty. She pushes it down though as she looks at Jamie. Jamie, who was supposed to be on his way to take a shower had decided to stay in bed beside her, took an interest in rubbing gloved hand across her foot.

She can’t but smile as she finally remembers the boys she is on the phone with and admits, “Yeah, I am. Therapy has been helping.” She bites back the and having _‘Having Jamie here is helping too.’_

“That’s good.” More hope sits into his voice, and feels better. Jacob takes the silence that follows as his in because he begins to speak, talking to her about the inane shit.

Jamie’s hand rubs against her foot the entire time, making sure run his cool hand, which despite being gloved still holds a coolness, against her arch. A giggle unconsciously slips from her throat. Too bad Jacob hadn’t been saying anything particularly funny. In fact, he was talking about the weather…the goddamn rainy weather that always plagued La Push and Forks, and pissed off/depressed everyone.

“What are you laughing about?”

“Nothing. Jamie is just tickling my foot.” As soon as she makes off handed reply, his hand falls from her foot. Jamie has a spooked look in his eye, and she realizes what she said.

“Who is Jamie?” Jake asks.

Instantly, she feels her eyes widen as she stares into his equally wide blue-grey ones. She realizes that hadn’t established anything. Sure, she had been added to the equation that was the lovely domestic life that they shared, but there wasn’t a true definition of their relationship.

“Leah?” Apparently, she takes too long because Seth, who’d no doubt had been listening when she had made her little slipup, calls her name. With one last look at Jamie, who shrugs his shoulders, she places the phone that had nearly slipped form her hand when Seth had called her name

“He’s my friend. I met him while ago,” she goes with the first thing that comes to mind, though it feels so wrong to put everything that they had into the meager category into just friendship. She makes a mental note to speak to him about it as soon as she gets off the phone.

“Friend, huh?” Seth replies, his voice teasing, though she can hear the uncertainty there too. She cringes a little as she knows that once again that she has caused her baby brother to worry..

“Yeah, why is this Jamie in your apartment touching your foot?” Jacob adds, his voice practically laughing and she can hear the same uncertainty there too.

And she wants nothing more than to get rid of that uncertainty, so she lets some of her old tendencies slip into the conversation. “Shut up, assholes. Jacob finish telling me about the terrible weather.” She changes the subject, a shameless ploy that everyone involved sees right through, but Jacob heeds her words, thankfully and he sounds a little less uncertain—Seth does too when he chimes in. She knows that she will no doubt have to talk to each person separately, and talk about her relationship with Jamie, though she hopes to speak to Jamie first as it’s her relationship with him that she must define.

Turns out, she doesn’t even have to ask him to talk. As soon as her conversation with Jacob and Seth is over, Jamie grabs the phone from her and frantically types _‘We’re more than friends don’t you think?’_

Like a caught in headlights, she just stares at him for a second before the need to tell him everything that has been left unsaid bubbled up. “God, I love you.”

He types in the phone again and the words _“I love you too”_ are translated back at her. She sits up on her knees, pulls him close and kisses him.

They end up in bed again. That’s really no surprise.

* * *

 

**You can never control who you fall in love with, even when you're in the most sad, confused time of your life. You don't fall in love with people because they're fun. It just happens. ~ Kirsten Dunst**

* * *

 

**A Few Weeks Later**

**No One’s POV**

There’s so much blood.

* * *

 

**Ending Quote of the Day: Every lover is a soldier. ~Ovid**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, the kudos and the comments. Please tell me what you think. If I have glaring typos/ inconsistencies let me know. ~Kurenai Cakes


	9. Conflicts of Interest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somethings can never go back to the way that they used to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I hope this makes you sad. That sounds terrible, but I purposely made myself cry to get the emotion in this. I’ve never really been in love, but I’m a hopeless romantic with a terrible case of pessimism and this as so painful—made me reminisce of a romantic relationship I never had. Ha, pathetic.  
> Happy Belated Holidays  
> Inspirational Music: Like a Funeral—Erik Jonasson, No Mercy-PVRIS, Demons- Jacob Lee

**Beginning quote of the Day: You can't control all the crazy stuff that happens to you. All you can control is the way you handle it. ~Amy Lee**

* * *

 

**Chapter 9:Conflicts of Interest**

* * *

 

**With No One**

One minute they were sitting on the couch, him rubbing her feet in his lap, listening to music. And now… There is so much blood.

**With Seth**

He was on patrol with Embry when they both felt it. Leah’s prescience exploded into their minds. It had been months since he’d felt his sister in his head. For some reason, for a millisecond it made him feel happy that she had phased because it meant they’d shared something again. But he snapped back into his senses as he knew that she would never had phased willingly. He doesn’t get to think about it much longer as there is nothing happy about the reason she phased.

Through their link he sees men in tactical gear surrounding her.

“So many of them. So many guns and knives. Outnumbered. Must protect us.” She says, panicked out of her mind. He can hear her heart beating—she can hear her heart thudding in her own ears.

Instantly, he’s terrified as he sees her lunge and get attacked by burly men with guns and knives. “Leah”

“Jamie. Jamie, Jamie.” She chants constantly. He screams for her again. She doesn’t answer, but pain and fear spark through their bond. He’d never felt her this scared before.

She lunges and dodges blades. Guns are constantly fired around the room.

“Leah, where are you?!” Embry screams as if they can be there in five minutes when the last thing heard was that she was in New York, on the other side of the country. Again, she doesn’t answer, so they take of as quickly as possible to find their Alpha.

“Jacob and I’ll come. We’ll help you, okay!” Seth says.

Pretty soon, her thoughts pause; she’s exhausted—they can feel it. Their link is severed.

**With James (the Asset) and Leah**

They’re in the living room--really the apartment was just one big room but this what could be considered the living room.

The Asset is standing, his clothes and skin ripped from the fight; one heals and the other doesn’t.

 _‘It is cold, so cold.’_ The Asset thinks.

The Asset is numb, and the Asset hates the feeling. The Asset is always numb when facing a threat. The Asset must survive, so he must ignore pain and fear as he must find a way to win. The Asset is flexing his hands, both of which are armed, one with a gun and the other with a bloody knife—ready for any of their fallen enemies to rise again and fight again. It takes a second for him to realize they had neutralized the threat—that they are safe for now. And the soldier fades back to James, and he looks down to his love and sees her on the floor. The cold of the soldier’s training was lifting only to be replaced by the cold of the fact that he had nearly gotten her killed. Sure, she’d transformed into whatever that thing was— ‘seriously a giant fucking grey wolf?!’— and defended herself, them from the danger that he’d brought into their lives. And now she’s back human…human?

 _‘It’s cold.’_ She’s on the floor, naked, having just phased back. She can still feel the blood in her mouth from the putrid human flesh she chomped on and clawed at—there was so much blood under her finger nails—to defend herself and her love. There was blood all over her really. Some of it was hers; the men had guns and knives and some of those men’s hits landed. Lifting her head up from surveying the carnage, her brown eyes turn to him and he’s no better. There is blood splatter on his face, there are bloody bullet holes and cuts in his clothes, there is blood on his metal hand –it’s drenched up to his elbow—and there is blood dripping from his flesh arm...a gunshot wound. After surveying his body, her eyes find his face.

A part of her registers that this is his fault. There wasn’t anything chasing her, and if there was they’d be dead. Two shifters needed to take down every vamp and the blood in her mouth reminded her that these men that she’d…they’d killed were very much human. But her brain was hazy, thoughts clouded by the fact that there is blood in her mouth. God, she’d had to constantly bite and rip into their flesh to defend herself and the man that’s she loved. Vamps don’t have blood and biting them was different. She reverted to her monstrous wolf form because of him and she was just like the vamps that she and the pack had to defend the world against. Blood tainting her mouth staining, the last of her humanity red.

 _‘I’m a monster again,’_ she thinks as her eyes find his. _‘I’m a monster again because of him.’_

There are tears in his eyes. They’re the guilty type of tears. And for the first time he speaks English, “I am so sorry.”

She doesn’t get a chance to dwell on it as the adrenaline coursing through her veins dies down until there is nothing but exhaustion left; she’d left feeling lightheaded, her body falling to the floor…well his arms really because he’d never let her fall.

**.**

**.**

**With Leah**

When she wakes up gasping for air, her back arching off the bed. she’s in a giant room filled with various beds and medical equipment. The acrid smell of antiseptic and sterile cleanliness assaults her and she nearly gags. _‘Shit’s almost as bad as the vamps’ sugary sweet scent.’_

A buff blond and Jamie soon come into her vision—one man on each side of her bed.

For a second, she’s terrified. She doesn’t know where the fuck she is. With her wolf, back from the deep crevices of her mind, being terrified is replaced by being angry. It feeds on being angry, and she hates it usually, though she is mostly angry herself for all the bullshit that has happened, for somehow inviting this into her life again.

And when she’s angry, she growls. “Where the fuck am I?”

The blond opens his mouth to speak, but Jamie beats him to it. “We’re in the Avengers Tower.”

He’s speaking perfect English—like some of those guys she saw on shows about New York. Had it been any other circumstance his accent would’ve been sexy—, and for some reason that just pisses her off more.When she gets angry, she hisses. “Why are we at the Avenger’s Tower?"

“It was the safest place that I could think of. Steve…his team…” Jamie said, and instantly she realizes that the other man is Steve Rogers—Captain America—her little brother was obsessed with the Avengers and their exploits, a fascination that made no sense when the boy could turn into a giant wolf whose sole purpose was to defend the world from red-eyed vampires and practically lived with a vegetarian vampire family along with Jacob. “They were the safest place for us to be. God, I’m sorry…. I never meant for you to get caught up in this.”

 _‘This, this he says as if t’s something small. Those men had gun and knives; they had arsenal.’_ She thinks. Sitting up quickly and pushing the covers, Leah gets ready to stand, only for him to slide his chair closer and shake his head. Giving him the benefit of the doubt—his eyes are so damn sincere that she stays put because this is Jamie. The least she can do is hear him out. Silence follows for a second before she opens her big mouth. “They were after you?”

“Yes”

“Why?”

He looks down hesitantly before looking to other man then the door. The blond looks hesitant for a second before he shuffles his feet and leaves through the door.

He comes closer to the bed and tries to grab her hand, and she can’t but flinch. Pain flashes across his face and he say softly, “I’m so sorry, Leah.”

She can’t bear to look at him, so she stares at her hands and arms where the scars from the previous scuffle. “You were shot seven times, four of them got stuck, and stabbed over twenty times. The Hulk…I mean Dr. Banner got the bullets out. I... you healed on your own for the most part. Doll, I am so sorry.”

She wants to believe him so bad, but suddenly she sees blood. She just remembers the blood…There was so much goddamn blood. “They were after you. WHY!”

He’s hesitant at first and then he looks at her. “When I met you…I never expected it to get this far. I never expected to feel this way…I was a soldier during World War II…” It took about forty-five minutes of listening to his lovely Brooklyn drawl before it felt like she was dying as she listened to the man she loved tell of his life on the fucking forties, his time in the war, and his time as a brainwashed soldier for HYDRA. How was this his fucking life. How was this hers?

“Of all the guys, I had to get someone who’s running too.” she whispers to herself ruefully as she sits up, sliding out from under the covers that she was tangled in. Tears begin to fill her eyes—she knows that she is crying for all the shit that life has dealt him. He was a good man and he didn’t...no one ever deserved that. Not him. Not her.

She wasn’t an instrument of war. She wasn’t a soldier. She was a destroyer, yes; she destroyed her father on accident. And she caused enough damage, there was enough blood (although vampires didn’t really bleed, but the idea had finally sunk in that she had ended someone/thing’s life from that fight that began all because a chick that she barely even knew fell in love with a vampire, and everyone around her was too protective of her to just let her die and become a part of the undead army.) She still was the reason her father was dead though. And to know that her being tied to a wolf did that killed her.

And to top it all off… to know that Jamie, the one who’d helped clear some of the haze of self- deprecating despair and hatred that shrouded her mind and soul, had brought another war to her door. To know that those men who had come after and who wouldn’t stop until she ended their lives with her wolf’s teeth were after the man –the first man after Sam—she loved was something even worse. The blood on her hands; it was because she knew him. And she hated it. There was no way that this could end well for her. Being with him would only bring war upon herself. Maybe she was being selfish, she probably was, but she couldn’t…wouldn’t fight anymore. She couldn’t be a destroyer anymore. Too many faces of the vampires, innocents—people consumed by bloodlust, flashed before her eyes. What a clusterfuck.

She stumbled a bit when her feet reach the floor and he was up with her, hand out to help her steady. That just makes her a little angrier and more irrational. She turns around and screams, “ALL OF THE FUCKING DATA I USED TO TRANSLATE FOR YOU WHEN YOU CAN SPEAK ENGLISH!”

Instead of speaking, he holds out her phone that somehow survived the ambush. She instinctively recoils a little only to collect herself long enough to snatch her phone.

“I’m getting out of here.”

“Wait, doll” He reaches for her again and once again she recoils.

“Don’t fucking touch me” she finds herself growling, her wolf coming to the surface ready to defend her at any second from the threat that he apparently posed to her.

He listens, though something in his eyes shatters and glossy eyes star back at hers. He moves out of the way for her as she stomps—secretly glad that her wounds are healed as she feels no pain and her equilibrium is back to normal as she no longer is stumbling— over to the door. She pulls it open, ready to storm outside the building only to realize that she doesn’t know how to get out. The buff blond, Steve, that was in her room when she awoke is outside, waiting—probably listened to their entire conversation too, asshole.

“How do I get out of here?”

“Miss, it’s not safe out there for you.” Steve says, his hands out in front of him palm open wide, placating while simultaneously trying push her back into the room.

“I can protect myself” is her response. It’s such a cliché thing to say, but she knows it’s true because she can. And with the wolf being awake once more, she’s better adept to do so. And she tries to move around him only for him to come closer.

“Nah, I’m good homie,” her retort. He was making her a little angry, and her fists balled up. She had to get out of her or she’d lose it. If she did though, she would finally be able to answer Seth’s question on what would happen in a fight between Captain America and a Shifter. Tilting her head to the side, “Jamie, ask your buff friend to get the hell out of the way?”

Jamie doesn’t do what she wants instead he disagrees “Steve is right, Leah. The Avengers are strong…the tower is the best place to make sure that my past doesn’t come to hurt you while I take care of it.”

Rolling her eyes, she steps forward again, intending to push past the blond only for her phone to ring. Instinctively, she answers it. She doesn’t get to say ‘Hello’ before a panicked voice is asking, “Are you ok? Seth and I were phased when we felt you come online."

Feeling an overwhelming guilt for scaring them and not wanting to bring any problems back to them she goes for placating. “Hey Embry, so sorry. It was a false alarm.”

“I don’t believe you.” There’s a beat before Embry’s voice hardens and he commands ** _“Don’t hang up.”_ **

Instantly, ice flows through her veins. She knows what a command feels like _. ‘Jake is still Alpha so that means that...’_

Her throat is croaky when she asks, “Em, you’re the new beta?”

“I’m sorry”

For a second she wants to hate him because this position gives him power over her—she’s no doubt low on the totem pole now that her wolf had went through a self-forced-hibernation when she’s tried to kill it. ‘Just when I thought I was out, my lover was the reason I was pulled back in’ It’s pathetically sad humorous thought and tries to use it to diffuse this situation that she’s in now. “No need to apologize. You could never be a better one than me.”

He plays along for a second. “Ha.” Then it’s back to business and he commands, **_“Talk to Jake”_ **

Jake’s voice was so harsh and demanding. Like the asshole Alpha he was.

 _‘Dammit Jake I will NEVER FORGIVE YOU for this.’_ Is the first thing that she thinks as she and her wolf process the Alpha’s words. She wants so bad to fight his harsh voice, but he is her leader even if she doesn’t want him to be and she has no choice but to listen and OBEY.

But, to be honest, she’s sort of happy that she has him because right now, with everything that had just transpired in less than ten hours has thrown her for a loop. And one again she is lost, without anywhere to go. Jamie isn’t the safe place that she had once believed him to be; She has no idea what to do.

**With James**

Her back is tense and he body is twitching like she wants to crawl out of her skin or fight as she wetly banters with whoever this Embry person is. He can hear the faint rustling on the other side of the phone as is transferred to Jake—a person who he’d heard her speak to on numerous occasions. Those times he’s heard seemed so different from now.

**_“Are you in danger?”_ **

Her reply is a weak whimper of “Yes, Alpha. I think so.”

James hears a muffled but growled, **_“Shit. Where are you?”_ **

“The Avenger’s Tower”

**_“Get someplace safe. I don’t care what you have to do, who you have to take down. Get someplace safe. Keep the phone on; answer when it rings. We’re coming to get you.”_ **

“Yes, Alpha.” With these words, the fight leaves her body and she slumps forward, “Can I hang up now, Alpha.”

“Yes”

She does so and then her posture changes. She stands up to full height, her muscles tense.

 _‘Something’s not right. What the hell just happened to her? Is someone controlling her?’_ he thinks. He looks over her head to see Steve look just as confused as he felt.

“I’m only going to ask one more time. How the hell do I get out of here?”

"You need to stay here for your protection Miss." 

“Apparently you didn’t hear me the first time. If they’re after him and I’m here with him. I’m in more danger. Besides, I can take care of myself. How the hell do I get out of here?”

Steve, the loveable idiot moves forwards again to touch her shoulder—there was a nanosecond when he sees her muscles flex—she has him on the floor, her foot on his neck. “See, I can take care of myself. Now, I need to get out of here!” Her voice was hard and detached, like some kind of angry robot.

James is a second from grabbing from her behind when he hears an elevator in the distance and Tony Stark quickly comes into his vision.

“Okay, hot and dangerously strong lady, like seriously who can knock Captain America down without a weapon suit. Calm down; let him go. Your ride is on its way.”

She cocks her head to the side. She spoke again in the same paradoxically angry and detached “Must follow Alpha’s command. Must get to a safe place.”

“I’m sure that your Alpha or whatever will call. Give it a minute or two.” As soon as that was said, her phone rang and she picked it up again.

“Alpha?”

**_“Change of plans. Stay put. Carlisle has some connections. Some dude named Nick Fury is on his way to get you.”_ **

“Yes, Alpha.”

With that she removes her foot from Steve’s throat. The blond gulps air, and his face loses the sickly red hue that it gained from the lack of oxygen.

She’s still standing with her back to him, her bra-strap length hair brushing against her back. It’s Tony Stark who breaks the silence, reminding him that she only has a hospital down on. “Okay, so I’m going to get you some clothes and put you in a room or rooms until your ride is here. Fury is about six hours away.”

Leah nods in response.

**.**

While she is in the bathroom changing—Stark delivered her clothes, told Steve where their room would be located, and left because he said that there were too many feelings in the room-- James looks to Steve and says “I’m sorry for bringing this shit to your door. I never meant to drag you or her into this mess.”

“James, I’m your friend and I’m with you on this. I can handle myself. I know you never meant to bring her into this. She’s quite a firecracker though.”

“I didn’t know that she could do that.”

“That’s good. Gotta keep the surprises to make sure to keep you on your toes.”

“There’s not much of a relationship. She’s going HOME, Steve. She’s running from me…from the shit that I brought into her life. She needs to run far away from me.”

A flushing toilet cuts their conversation. The door opens and she comes into the room. It’s silent as they all stare at one another stupidly.

Steve coughs and says, “I’ll show you to your rooms.”

Steve takes them on an elevator ride and walks them to separate rooms.

**With Leah**

_She gets restless being alone, so she collapses on the softest bed in the world turns on her phone and plays music. The first thing that pops is Jacob Lee’s song Demons and it’s such a perfect song…how love brings pain and despair. It was her life for the second time in the row._

_“Dammit,” she whines as her tear ducts begin to well and she begins to cry again. She cries herself to sleep._

_Fear. It was a word that she’d tried to delete from her vocabulary a long time ago. When she was a teenager, she’d practically had no fear. Fear of the dark had been vanquished by nightlights and simply growing older; fear of clowns had been destroyed by her father showing her how their makeup was applied; fear of being unpopular was vanquished when she grew boobs before the rest of the girls in her grade did; fear of loneliness had been vanquished with the appearance of Sam Uley. And with Sam came the dreams, sure she’d had them as a child, but with him she had someone to dream with. And when he left, an old fear—the fear of never being good enough to find someone to be with her, of being alone— came rushing in. Then her father had a heart attack and the fear of being on this earth without him was realized. She and Seth became wolves and all of the supernatural world rushed into her life. She feared for both of their lives._

_As she dealt with all the stumbled mess that was her new world, she’d just pushed fear of death away. It was replaced by indifference and recklessness and hopelessness._

_She jumped in lunged for a vampire only to have Jacob to save her. If she was honest with herself, she had wanted to die then._

_She’d wanted to die when she jumped off that random roof a few months earlier._

_But she’d met Jamie and her whatever they had put a smile on her face. She didn’t want to die._

_A metal hand is wrapped around her neck and she can’t breathe._

_Jamie’s unfocused blue-grey eyes peer down at her. They’re the eyes she falls asleep staring into; the ones that she wakes up to. To see them like this…_

_He screams something at her in Russian that she doesn’t understand. Her phone is on their—that’s right, he’d practically moved in with her—nightstand. This was their room now—and with the air in her lungs becoming scarce, she can’t reach it. He’s stronger than a normal man should be, and it’s killing her. Her vision is blacking out. So, she does the next best thing. Calling upon the wolf she’d long since abandoned, she asked for its help, some of its strength._

_It’s takes a couple of seconds, but she gets the upper hand and throws him off her. She doesn’t phase; she doesn’t know is she has it in her anymore, but she’s strong enough to protect herself some. But she doesn’t want to have to protect herself from him. He made her smile. She wanted nothing more than to smile with him._

_But at the same time, she doesn’t want him to hurt her. She fears him. And she fears for him; her wolf is thrumming to be let loose, for her to protect herself with four legs instead of two. It’s burns her to do so, but she finds a way to push it down. “Jamie.” She calls only to have him turn his head to the side confusedly._

_“Jamie, baby it’s me.”_

_He rushes at her again, brandishing a knife that she didn’t know that he’d had. She’s fast, but somehow, he’s faster and before she can wrestle the knife from his hands, he drives it into her side and yanks it back out. It’s a second before she realizes what happened. But when she does, the pain is overwhelming, and her wolf howls from the depth of her mind. She looks down at the blood and has some sort of morbid curiosity that leads her to touch the red substance. When she pulls her hand back up, the tips of her fingers are coated in red._

_“J-Jamie?” She calls out again, though it seems weaker than it should._

_His response is to scream at her again._

_He uses the knife again, and she finds that she doesn’t exactly have the strength to fight it. Maybe it’s from the blood running down her side. Her wolf is fading in the background. She cackles internally, and it resounds in her skull. She wolf was weak—she’d made it weak by ignoring it and not using the gift granted to her by the Spirits, her birthright, and it could only do so much, which probably meant that it would only be able to keep herself alive. It would no doubt mean that it would take a while._

_He leans down and whispers to her. (I won’t go back.)_

_And he walks away._

_As Jamie walks away, she feels her heart break a little. He’d just left her there. She trusted him. And the fact that he left her here…on the floor like common trash as blood seeps from the would in her back doesn’t sit well with her. She feels tears burn her eyes as they fall. She wheezes and cough wetly, her throat burning. She wishes she was naïve, that the coppery tasting liquid in her mouth wasn’t blood. But she can’t. It’s blood. The cough intensifies, and she’s choking on blood, her blood. And he’d done this to her. He makes it by the door, and he pauses._

_She hears an intake of breath; suddenly he begins to run out the door a quick “I’m sorry” is the last thing she hears before everything fades to bl—_

_The scene changes. They’re back in the apartment, those this time they’re both standing in the front room surrounded by dead bodies. She feels something in her back; reaching around, her hands meet a handle. There is a knife in her back._

_Terrified, reaching out for Jamie, he pulls away with an “I’m sorry; I’ll call an ambulance. Jamie walks away, she feels her heart break a little. He’d just left her there. Sure, he’d called an ambulance and apologized profusely before he did, but it doesn’t change the fact that she trusted him. And all she got was stabbed in the back—she knows he didn’t do it, but the fact that he left her here…on the cold floor like common trash as blood seeps from the would in her back doesn’t sit well with her. She feels tears burn her eyes as they fall. She wheezes and cough wetly, her throat burning. She wishes she was naïve, that the coppery tasting liquid in her mouth was blood. But she can’t. The cough intensifies, and She’s choking on blood, her blood. And she can’t lie here. The healing factor ad already kicked in and she could feel the muscles in her back stitch themselves back together. She wants desperately wants to go to sleep. But she knows that she can’t. She finds the strength to roll onto her stomach, then her knees and hands trying to stand, but the pain is too much to bear. She can’t breathe._

A large gulp of air, a scream, and thrashing, Leah wakes up, her eyes quickly moving to her abdomen to see if there is a wound. She hesitantly takes in the room around realizes that she isn’t in the apartment. She’s in a huge unfamiliar room, and Jamie looking down at her.

She scrambles back, hitting the headboard and her chest hurting because she’s gulping up too much air at once.

Once again face looks pained and he says, “Doll, I’m so sorry.”

“Whatever,” is the only thing she can think to huff back as she tries to get herself back together. She buries her head in her knees for a second.

The bed shifts, and when she looks up. He’s sitting in the bed with her.

**With James**

Sitting this close to her, he once again feels the overwhelming guilt that began when all this bullshit from his past started. “I never wanted this to happen.”

“I know, Jamie.” She retorts, though her voice lacks the bite that it had before. “Doll?”

“Something must have stayed from my Brooklyn Days”

Her lips quirk, though she doesn’t say anything. Silence permeates the room, and he wants it gone, so the first thing that he does is say something stupid. “You turned into a wolf. Is that why you jumped when we first met?”

“It’s part of the reason, yes. But it’s not exactly all my secret to tell.”

“Something is chasing you?”

“Nah, not for a while. But to be honest, if what’s out there that wants to chase me got after me did this, we’d be dead.”

“And this Alpha controls you?”

“No…” she pauses. “Yes, sometimes I’m not as autonomous as I would like to be. You know the feeling.” He sees her flinch at the poor choice of words.

“It’s ok.”

“I’m just going to go into the bathroom,” with that she rises from the bed to go into the in-suite bathroom.

When she shuts the door, he rises to leave only his feet won’t take him to the door that leads to the hallway. He moves to the bathroom door. When she opens it, they’re face to face.

“Stay with me.” He whispers, his voice a wreck from shouting. He just wants to be with her like it was before Hydra had caught up with him. He was happy to remember and have become friends with Steve again, but he’d never wanted to lose the one good thing that that came from being “Jamie.” He never wanted to lose her.

She just smiles as her watery brown eyes look straight into his. “Could you promise me tomorrow?” She pauses as tears fall. It’s a simple question, one that cuts any relationship that he can have with her short. He can’t promise her that. She cracks a small, heartbroken smile. “If you can’t promise me tomorrow, how can you promise me next week, or a life time?”

He understands. He can’t devote himself to her, not like she needs. There would always be his sins that he’d have to atone for. He’d always need to fight Hydra and everything they stood for—everything they made him do and for trying to hurt her. He wanted to DESTROY THEM. And with that, there was always a possibility that Hydra or any other villain because let’s face it—he loved helping people; it was cathartic—coming after him, her, or their family if they ever had one together. He knew his purpose; he’s been a soldier in every lifetime he had. There was no going back. Leah, on the other hand made it very clear that she didn’t want to be an instrument of war, something he could never fault her for.

But knowing that he’ll have to leave without her breaks his heart.

 _‘It isn’t fair,’_ the thought passes through his mind and he almost laughs aloud. He’s always known that life wasn’t fair. It’s something that was engrained in him since he was a child, only for it to be enforced by the hardship he encountered in the war and after he ‘died.’ LIFE ISN’ T FAIR.

But he can’t bring himself to let her go without showing her in some way, no matter how miniscule, that if circumstances were different, she’d have been his wife, the mother of his children, his everything. So, he finds himself pulling off his dog tags, and slipping them over her head. As soon as his takes the sight of her with his tags around her neck, he finds that he loses self-restraint and he pulls her close. He doesn’t kiss her right away opting to give her chance to push him away. She just closes the distance and their lips touch. It’s just a peck, but he ups the ante and kisses her like his life depends on it. He tries to put everything that he feels, everything he desires but knows they can’t have into the action. And when he pulls back, for both of them to catch their breath, she pulls him back to her.

“Promise me tonight,” she pleads.

Like the selfish man that he is, he indulges her, knowing full well that it’ll hurt them more if he does so. His lips find their way to her neck with her hand in his hair. Her legs wrap around his waist, and he’s carrying her to the bed. Somehow, they both end up naked, and he doesn’t dwell on it because he’s made it his mission to kiss, touch, and taste every inch of her body. He’s wants to remember every inch of her.

Every time she screams “Jamie,” he makes it his business to repeat whatever made her release the sound again and again.

She gives as good as she gets though as she takes control. He ends up on his back, her above him. It doesn’t take long before their intimately connected and in a flurry of movement the sounds of skin on skin contact happens and they are overtaken by passion.

**.**

**With Leah**

She's staring at the ceiling, having just awakened. Jamie staring, she can feel those eyes without even looking at him. She her head anyway and what she sees in his eyes--it hurts, but she knew it was coming. She just smiles sadly, and he answers with one of his own. His eyes look so apologetic.

She rolls onto her side to face him. It should be awkward--they're both still naked—but it’s not. their hands intertwine, and she lets out a weak laugh. Warm droplets of water soon follow. "One last time?"

She chokes on a cry/laugh as she rolls back on her back. "We're an Ariana Grande song." It should be funny, but at the moment it's anything but. He was the best thing that had happened to her at this point in her life, and while she didn't want to give that up, though their histories proved that love wasn't on their side. And there was no point to tempt fate with a relationship when they sucked at them. It was rational; rationality hurt like a bitch though. The tears kept falling.

Warm lips began to caress her neck, joining the tears. And she pulls him on top of her. Soon, the lips trail to other places, and she finds herself melting into to him. They commit each other's bodies to memory as they get lost in the throes of passion.

The tears fall the entire time, but some of them are happy on her end—the man is talented in every way imaginable. And the pleased sounds he makes, makes her feel that she is making him happy too.

She imagines their future. The what ifs of life. Marrying him. Having his children. Growing old with him. It ends too soon, and she falls back to earth with his blue-grey eyes piercing into hers. They kiss and draw out the moment, but ultimately, and they are pulled away from each other.

Their moment ends as he slips out of bed for a shower.He dresses in all black. He stops, his hand on the handle.

"I wish I could've been your James Dean."

"I wish I could’ve be your Audrey Hepburn"- she replies.

When he reaches the door, she calls out and says “Promise me that you’ll keep working on getting better. Don’t stop going to therapy.”

“Of course, only if you promise to do the same.”

“Yeah” And he leaves. She’s alone again.

An hour later her ride arrives in the form of a tall, dark skinned man with an eyepatch with a penchant for black-serious, dude had on a black trench coat, and a sleek black plane, that everyone involved calls the Quinjet.

As she boards the plane, Mr. Fury says, “You have some interesting friends.”

Looking past him, she sees a man in a uniform with some kind of a gun. It makes her wary and she asks, “Scared of me.

“Nah, it’s just a precaution. You’re too warm to cause a ruckus and the sky is clear.”

To normal people, which Leah clearly wasn’t, the words would be confusing. But Leah heard the translation: You’re not a vampire. Even if you are a werewolf, there’s no full moon. ‘Carlisle, you sure have some interesting friends.’

“I guess that a good thing them. Though I should warn you, the moon has no sway.”

His one eye widens and she steps past him to sit down. She puts her earphones in replaying Sleeping with Sirens’ ‘If I’m James Dean, You’re Audrey Hepburn on repeat for sentimental reasons. She feels eyes on her the entire time.

Sometime later, they’re back on the West Coast in the Woods of Forks near the Cullen House. The plane lands, and when she steps off, she sees Jacob, Seth, and Carlisle waiting. Her eyes zero in on Seth and she runs to him. He opens his arms and she collapses into them, heartbroken.

* * *

 

**Ending Quote of the Day: The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart. Helen Keller**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys. I literally had the chapter finished in Word and when I went to transfer this to FF.Net, Word glitched and restarted. (Dammit this is a new computer!) I lost like three hours of work. I had to rewrite most of the end of this chapter. It was already kind of choppy because I wrote a lot of stuff at different times, and I forced myself to rewrite this chapter’s ending though, so hopefully it’s ok. I’m not too confident, though. Ugh.  
> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving Kudos. Please tell me what you think. Again, the standard stuff applies: If there are glaring typos and inconsistences, let me know. I’ll rewrite if need be.  
> ~Kurenai Cakes


	10. Tough Conversations, Denial and Getting Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Girls and guys. I'm trying to be sentimental and put this last chapter on the 2-year anniversary of the story (it's like a day later). It's late and I should be going to sleep. I have to go to my internship early tomorrow, but I wanted to make sure I did this. I didn't really proof read. Hopefully, this doesn't suck.   
> ~Kurenai Cakes

**Inspirational Music: Ocean- Jacob Lee, I was made for loving you- Tori Kelly feat. Ed Sheeran, I'm not okay- My Chemical Romance**

**Beginning Quote of the Day: It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept. ~Bill Watterson**

* * *

**An Aside: How Fury met Carlisle**

It was 1975 and something was killing hoard people in Oregon. Bodies drained of blood. The SHIELD and the World Council took interest because something similar happened in Germany and Egypt. It was peculiar and who did they send to investigate the bullshit…none other than Nicholas Fury. Turns out Carlisle was tracking whatever it was too for some reason that Nick didn't understand. They ran into each other. Nick found out that vampires were real and those motherfuckers sparkled under sunlight. He was ill-equipped for this indestructible, walking dead shit that was happening in his life. Carlisle (a fucking vegetarian vampire who was only invested because the vampire was killing a little too close to home at the time) helped Nick kill the rogue vampire.

When they parted each other's company, Nick owed Carlisle some favors. And they had a symbiotic relationship of sorts. The human kept his knowledge about the Carlisle Cullen, and by extension his family—and by extension's extension the knowledge of vampires—an out of the sights of the Council and the world. It was some shit that no a lot of people could fathom let alone handle. And when Nick called for help, something that rarely happened, Carlisle had promised to give any information and assist if he could.

And that's how Nickolas Fury, the previous head of SHIELD ended up being called into some melodrama between a werewolf (he'd found out about them on his own) and HYDRA's Ex- Winter Soldier and having to bring her to some dreary town in Washington State, where Carlisle had laid roots. Fucking symbiotic relationships.

* * *

**Chapter 10: Tough Conversations, Denial and Getting Better**

**With James**

**New York: The Stark Tower (Immediately after Leah leaves)**

He watches the Quinjet leave with a piece of his heart. Knowing that he won't be waking up next to her is something that he doesn't believe that he'll be able to get over any time soon.

That night, he lies in a bed in a guest room on Steve's floor. He stares at the ceiling, willing himself to sleep. It doesn't happen right away since she's not beside him. Eventually, though, his body gives into its exhaustion and he just succumbs to darkness.

_They're walking down an alley near the apartment holding hands. She has a smile on her face and she's beautiful._

_"_ _I love you, Jamie."_

_"_ _I love you too." He smiles back, feeling immense happiness._

_He pulls away from beside her to stand in front of her. He leans down to give her a kiss and she leans up. The kiss is soft and loving. And when they pull away to breathe, he sees red staining her lips. She wasn't wearing lipstick._

_Bringing his hand to his lips, he sees red staining his too. He doesn't feel any pain though. Her eyes widen and her body bows forward, back arching. He leans forward to catch her, a hand at her back only to find a knife protruding from it. Quickly he scans the area behind them to find the culprit. There are soulless blue eyes looking back at him; it's like he's looking in a mirror. Somehow, the world swirls and his perception shifts. He's behind her, a bloody knife in his hand. Instead of being in his arms, she is on the cold concrete on her back, eyes open and lifeless. His hand begins to shake when he realizes that he'd done this._

_And he breaks._

_"_ _Leah."_

_"_ _LEAH!"_

When he comes too, Steve is standing above him. All James see is blue eyes—and they remind him so much of his cold eyes when he held the knife—he's terrified, so he swings catching the blond in the nose.

**.**

They're in the kitchen now. Steve has a bag of frozen peas on his nose; James insisted despite Steve's protest. "I'm sorry."

"No, it was my fault for trying to wake you up like that." The blond pauses for a second. "What did you dream about?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry"

**.**

**.**

**.**

**With Leah**

**Forks: At the Cullen Home (After She Lands)**

Carlisle goes to talk to the Fury guy, while Seth and Jacob huddle around her and walk her straight into the acridly, sweet smelling house to a random room with medical equipment. They sit down on the bed that's there. About five minutes later, Carlisle walks in.

"Ms. Clearwater, I heard that you've had a nasty run in with some danger."

"yeah, I guess."

"Is it okay if I check some things out?"

She takes one look to her left and right where her brother and Alpha are both sitting, tense as if waiting for her to tell the vampire no and to fight her on it. "I guess, I have no choice with these two lugs around."

"No, I don't believe so. Gentlemen, please go into the hall way so that I can give your sister a checkup."

Jacob and Seth begrudgingly leave her to Carlisle's capable hands and medical expertise. Even though, she's healed, he goes through the motions. Checking her eyes and reflexes and all the rest of that bullshit.

"Why did you give me the money?" It's the question that she had meant to ask him when he first had sent her money when she called him to ask him to stop Jacob and Seth from coming after her.

"Why did you call me instead of Billy, your Mom or someone on the Council?"

She thinks for a moment. There were a lot of people she could've called. But she knows that they would've agreed that she needed to be home, that whatever was happening could be worked out surrounded by the family, the pack, the Rez. But Leah knew the truth. She would've been forced to come back home. She knew that Carlisle drifted, had heard stories of his travels when he was first turned. She had hoped that he would understand. Luckily, he did. "They're here more than they're on the Rez. And they respect you and I knew that you'd respect my privacy and my decision to stay away. Billy, my Mom and the Council they all would've ignored what I wanted because I'd run away from the family, the pack."

"I'm glad that you hold me in such high regard."

"It's just how it is." She shrugs then stays silent for a moment when he moves a stethoscope to her chest and has her breathe. When the cold metal is removed from her chest, she blurts, "Why did you give me the money?"

"You needed it" His golden eyes are looking straight into her eyes, something that her dad used to do when he tried to make her see reason. The intensity, the fatherly sincerity behind the gold eyes forces her to avert her eyes.

"That's not really answering my question."

"You reminded me of myself, of how I was when I first changed. I was listless, unhinged and depressed. I tried to kill myself, and I hoped that by helping you out in New York you could find some meaning in your life."

"I tried."

"I know."

"No, I mean, I tried to kill myself."

"I that too know."

"Jacob and Seth talk too much. I didn't want to be saved. Someone saved me."

"Yeah, they do. But to be fair, there was an empath and a telepath that were in their vicinities when they found out. Meeting my family saved me."

"Turns out he was running too and it came to bite us both in the ass."

"I'm sorry."

"No need…I'll pay you back. You wasted your money."

A cold, sugary sweet hand touches her chin, lifting it upwards. Her eyes meet his once again. "I'm over 500 years old and have more money than I actually need since I could honestly live naked in the forest and never mingle with society if I want. And, I really didn't waste it."

"You're a little funnier than I remember." She laughs at his little quip. "Yeah, you did. I never really found meaning. My wolf is back too." She wants to look away, but she can't. it feels so nice to have someone else to understand.

"You did; you're just hurt right now."

"How much do you know?"

"Your brother and Jake were very vocal about you having a boyfriend…This thing it was a start. We all have setbacks…Just say thank you."

"Whatever…Thank you."

He finishes her check-up.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**A few days later**

**With James in New York**

He'd had the same dream as he did before. He's had it multiple nights in a row. Instead of Steve standing over him when her awoke, the blond wisely called him from beside the bed. After breakfast, Stark barges in, saying that he'd sent a crew to check out Leah and James' apartment to check for bugs and that the apartment was ready for James to go in and see what of hers he could salvage. The alternative was having a cleanup crew do it for them. James, of course goes to their home. Steve followed him like a puppy, eyes filled with worry; James knows that the blond thinks that he'll break more than he has already. But Steve is an idiot because he promised her that he'd get better. That includes getting up every day and trying to move on with his life past HYDRA. That meant that he'd have to meet with Sam soon.

James goes through the clothes, throwing to the ones that have been completely shredded and putting the stuff that is still good in carboard boxes. When he asked about her car (they'd left in such a hurry during their run in with HYDRA that she'd left her keys hanging up on the key rack), which he knows was outside when they'd arrived and isn't in the complex's parking lot anymore, Steve says that Stark made it a pet project to fix it because the eccentric brunet had a problem with what he saw when he'd taken a look under th hood, that he was personally affront that such a classic car had such subpar maintenance. To be fair, though, she barely drove it because of the copious amount of traffic in the city.

A few days later and its been about a week since she left, Steve flies the Quinjet so that James can return the car and the clothes. Steve parks a little way away from where he found out her family lived, courtesy of Stark. James drives the car the rest of the way. He pulls into the reservation; it's the middle of the day, and he doesn't see anyone outside. Its good since he doesn't want to run the risk of running into Leah, who he feels deserves to be free of him and his drama.

He parks the car in the drive way, pausing to look at the box that he'd set in the seat next to him. On top is his favorite black hoody, something that he'd worn often around the apartment. It's selfish, but he wants her to have something to remember him by. He'd stolen one of her oversized T-Shirt of her for the same reason. After about fifteen minutes, the door to the house next to where Leah's is supposedly opens and an older woman with gray hair steps out.

He takes that as his que to leave. He takes the note that he'd written before leaving New York from his pocket and places it on the dashboard. With that, he gets up to leave and walk back to where he knows Steve is. During the walk, James' mind is working a mile a minute.

He remembers things. He remembers how she smiled at him; he remembers how warm it was to sleep next to her; he remembers everything. _'I miss her so much.'_

Steve was waiting in the same place where he'd left him. "Buck—James you're crying."

He touches his face and pulls it away to see moisture on the tip of his metallic hand. ' _I don't remember…I can't do this right now~'_

Hastily wiping his eyes, he shakes his head at Steve and boards the jet.

**With Leah at the Rez**

It's been about a week since the 'Incident', what she named the near-death experience that destroyed what little threads that she and Jamie, no James, had weaved together, she, Jacob and Seth—the loveable idiots had decided that her getting out of the house and going to the Port was good for her— had just come from hanging out in town only to find her car, her Dad's old car in the drive way. It's filled with boxes, everything that she was forced to leave behind. There is a note on the on the dashboard that reads: **_"I know that having all of your things back was important to you. Tony Stark fixed your car. I couldn't save everything, but a lot of it is still useable. I'm sorry, so sorry about how my life came back to destroy the life that we built. I'm sorry, Leah. Please just don't forget our promise. If you ever need anything, just call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX~ Love, your Jamie."_**

Even though, she knows who sent it they ask the neighbor who just happens to be outside where the car came from. The woman is nosey and a tattletale. She says that a tall man with shoulder length hair came through driving it. He parked it and then walked away.

 _'_ _He's so fucking considerate'_ She cries for two hours after that. When she's done Jacob and Seth help her take everything in her house and amongst everything there is a dark hoodie that Jamie was always wearing when they were together. It still smells like him. She takes a shower and puts it on to sleep in. With her wolf being back in her head in her, it's hot and uncomfortable but she manages. Her wolf never complains though.

She ignores the pain as she tries to get better. That includes going to therapy—turns out her Doctor's ex is a psychiatrist who lives and works in Seattle (it's a fucking drive to meet her once a week but Leah doesn't mind since she can take the time clear her mind on the drive); they didn't work out but he gave her rave reviews and recommended her to Leah—and talking.

**A week later at the Clearwater House (It's been two weeks since the breakup)**

One day she's sitting with Seth watching Star Wars. Her younger brother had decided that they would spend quality time together, which meant that that he had basically enacted suicide watch. He made her call him every 20 minutes when she drove to and from her appointments. There were suspiciously no super sharp knives in the kitchen and forks always came up missing. When he was on patrol, Jake, Quil or Embry took his place. She wants to yell that she promised Jamie that should would get better and that meant that she had to live, but she knows that he's doing it out of love so she just ignores how he or the guys hover when she eats makes sandwiches or uses a fork. This particular day though, halfway through the movie, her younger brother tilts his head to the side for a second before turning to her fully and sniffing the air.

Leah tenses, hoping that he wouldn't say anything. But he does, "Do you hear or smell that?"

Yeah, she had noticed that something was off with her two weeks ago when she had gotten her car back. She had had begun to hear the beating in her ears. Of course, her mind goes **_there_** **,** she and Jamie…they'd been no barriers between them **_ever_**.

"Probably has something to do with me getting my wolf back. Just ignore it." Is the only reply that she has; it's what she had told herself. There's no way that her life could've taken that turn. Hell, during the time she was without her wolf, her period didn't even come back. So that nipped the whole idea **_that shan't be named_** in the bud. It wasn't possible. _'It can't be possible.'_

Her little brother stares for a second and doesn't say anything else. The beating in her ears doesn't stop; loving Jamie doesn't stop. Neither does the pain. But she ignores it. She tries to keep getting better.

She continues therapy with Dr. Andrews' ex-wife—the lady is as good as he says. And on the plus side, she kept his last name, so Leah could call her Dr. Andrews too. She gets a job at the diner in Forks.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**Two weeks later (It's been about a month)**

**With James**

The nightmare plagues him again. He wakes up in a haze with Steve nowhere to be found since he forbade the blond from trying to coax him out of his nightmare since it usually meant that Steve usually ended up with a bloody nose more often than not; her blood on his hands feels so real. He falls out of bed, stumbling to the bathroom. With shaking fingers, he turns on the hot water to rinse off his hands.

When the phantom feeling of her blood goes away, James pulls his hands from underneath the water and slides to the cold tile floor. reaching into his pocket for the phone that Steve gave him, James pulls up a random playlist that he'd made of the songs that she'd played him during their time together.

He presses play. "I was made for loving you…"

It's a song she played in the beginning. It was a song of love and finding a soulmate. It makes him cry. Steve eventually finds him a few hours later. "Rough night?"

"No more than its always been."

"You need to talk to Sam, James."

Steve is looming over him, and he doesn't like it. He gets defensive on instinct, "I do. I have."

"Not about this. You go to the sessions, but they're not helping like they were before. You're just going through the motions. Leah wouldn't want—"

"Shut up, Steve!"

Steve sighs and slides beside him on the floor, "No. She wouldn't want this for you. She'd want you to pull yourself together."

"I'm trying."

"I know, but you're not trying as hard as you were before."

" I don't remember much before HYDRA, my childhood, you. I'm not the man that I used to be, Bucky. I do know that with her, I wasn't the HYDRA weapon or Bucky, a man lost in time. I was James, Jamie." By the end of it, he's choked up and tears are burning his eyes.

"It's okay...it'll be okay James."

"Will it? How can you say that? You don't know me, Steve. I'm not the man I used to be."

"It's called having blind faith."

The answer is just so simple and James wishes that it was possible. There was no use arguing though, so he just says, "I miss her so much."

Steve knock his knee into James's. " I know buddy. Give it time. If it's meant to be...you'll find your way back to each other. What are you listening to?"

James plays a song called, "I'll be good " for him.

"I thought I saw the devil, this morning..."

**With Leah**

_She's in a flower filled meadow. It's beautiful. The grass is soft underneath her fingers and toes. The Sun is shining. She smiles._

_'_ _You look so beautiful,' says a very familiar voice says. A hand touches her stomach, and she looks down. Her stomach is round and its extended…She's pregnant._

_Turning towards where the voice and the hand are coming from, she sees Jamie. He's smiling at her, his eyes filled with love and awe._

_'_ _Our baby is going to be beautiful'_

_She's dreaming. She knows that she is. Having a child inside her and having Jamie so close after their breakup was all an illusion; it had to be._

_But she enjoys it. Reaching down, she puts her hand on top of his._

_Out of the corner of her eye, she sees her wolf standing there. Its grey fur is blowing in the wind. They lock eyes and the sky darkens, and the feeling of his hand disappears. The extended stomach doesn't. Her wolf tilts its head back and howls._

**.**

**.**

Her wolf has been restless; she's been having the dream for a few days. It's fucking annoying because it's like an itch that she can't scratch. Instead, her wolf is clawing at her subconscious, trying to force her to acknowledge it.

She's in therapy when the subject of denial comes up, namely how she was dealing with coming back home and having another love falling apart.

"Sometimes we feel that denial is a good thing. It keeps the darkness at bay. It can help save you for a while but there is an old saying that says that 'Nothing stays buried forever."

"What am I supposed to do, Doc? Am I supposed to just accept that once again my life is imploding, that every time I dream of something better I fail and something blows up in my face."

"Leah, you must understand that not all relationships fall apart based because of one person. Relationships, all relationships, involve two or more people. We can't always control what happens to us. How are we supposed to control what happens? Denial gives an illusion of control. It's like a wall, something holding the truth back. But there are other ways that walls can be passed. The truth can climb the wall, break it down or go around. The truth always finds a way to come forward. It's best to let it be free so that you can learn to deal and accept it. It takes time, of course, but you must understand that you can't outrun the truth forever. Its unhealthy to try to do so."

Leah sits and processes the information, and for some reason the more she thinks about what the words mean, the more terrified/hopeful she gets. Thinking back to the dream, back to the morning when she'd puked up her guts—it wasn't the first time as it had happened pretty much every morning for the last week—Leah's hand finds its way to her stomach.

 _'_ _I think I'm preg-'_ as soon as the thought flashes, she cuts if off by taking out her anger at the person in front of her. It's her usual MO.

"What am I supposed to do. How am I supposed to accept this? How am I supposed to face this truth and live with being alone again…He said he loved me? Like Sam did before him, and then I find out that were not meant to be in the worst way possible. How am I just supposed to accept and understand that the bullshit is happening again!"

"I can't tell you how to find acceptance. That is always up to you, but you must understand that the road to acceptance is something that is travelled over time. There is no quick fix to find it. You know that. You've been doing that; my ex-husband sent me your files and has told me so. Don't let a setback destroy all of the progress that you have made."

The truth bubbles up and she blurts out to Dr. Andrews, "I haven't seen my mom since I've moved back to the West Cost, and I think I may be pregnant."

"You need to find out. Unlike other truths, this one has a timeline."

After this particular therapy visit she drives to a random Walgreens and picks up about five tests and two gallons of water. On her way home from, Seattle, she guzzles the water. When she finally makes it home, she has to pee like nobodies' business and pushes past Sam who was waiting on her porch for her apparently. She makes it to the bathroom and pees on one test, then another until all five sticks have been used. She does so hoping that the beating will be proven once and for all to be a figment of her imagination. She's washing her hands when she hears the front door close. Sam's scent wafts through the house.

With a sigh, she leaves to tests on the sink and makes her way back to the front of the house where her ex is standing in the living room.

"Hi."

"Hey Sam. What are you doing here?"

"You've been back for a few weeks. No one outside of your pack has really seen you. I just want to make sure you are alright"

"I'm good."

"Did you have a good time in New York?

She considers lying to him, but emotion bubbles up. "Kinda-ish." Is the only thing she can croak out before her eyes are welling up with tears? "I got hopeful towards then end, only for everything to blow up in my face."

Sam pulls her close and hugs her. She lets him. There aren't a lot of options for hugs at the moment and she's in desperate need of one, so she leans into his touch, clutching on to him. He leads her to the couch where they separate. "What's his name?"

"Jamie"

"What happened"

"He's an international criminal who turned out to be a brainwashed POW from the fucking '40s. He grew up with Captain America for God's sake!"

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh. I sure know how to pick them, huh. First, you and now him."

They sit in silence for a few seconds before he says, "This is awkward"

"Yeah, but it's what you always wanted. For me to be _cordial_ with you. I'm doing it"

"You're only doing it because you were a wreck before I got here." He pauses for a beat. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know. The spirits had other plans. I get it; Emily is better for you. I suck."

"You don't. That doesn't make it right. It never was fair to any of us, especially you. That doesn't make what happened between us or between you and him okay. You deserve to be happy."

Like always, when she's around her ex, she starts spouting bullshit. But to be honest, this bullshit it what she's starting to believe. "Maybe, I'm destined to be alone. I don't know if that's possible. If everyone was happy, it wouldn't mean anything. Happiness would be just life. So maybe some of us are supposed to be unhappy. Maybe everyone in the packs are supposed to be happy except me."

"You can't believe that."

"I have to…maybe if I do, life won't hurt as bad if I just accept it."

They sit in silence for a few more minutes before it hits her that she is hugged up on the couch with her shirtless (when did the guys ever wear shirts anymore) ex-boyfriend who is now with her cousin/ ex-best friend. It's fucking awkward and honestly idiocy to take comfort in him when she's mourning another lost love. Leaning away from the warmth that he provided, she says "Alright, thank you for this. But this shit feels awkward and just plain wrong. Get out."

Instead of getting a smart retort, she gets a sigh of "yeah, alright"

He unwraps his arms and slides off the couch to stand facing her. "I'm sorry again about your Jamie. Give it some time, everything will work out and you'll find your way"

"Whatever, I don't need your philosophical advice"

He sighs again, hopefully resigned to his fate that their little moment is over. "Okay, okay. I'll go. But before I do, you should know that you smell different."

 _'_ _I know,'_ she thinks with an attitude. _'I'm getting to the bottom of it now.'_ Her actual words don't reflect her thoughts though, when do they ever? "Ignore it. Shut up and get out."

With that smart-ass retort, he shakes his head and turns around while muttering quietly to himself in a volume that she couldn't hear. He walks to the door and just before he turns the knob to leave. With his back to her, she feels confident enough to say, "Thank you"

He nods his head in acknowledgement before he leaves. Once he is finally gone, she sits on the couch, heart pounding and sweat forming on her brow. She's terrified of getting back up to see what those tests say. She doesn't want to be pregnant because she was actually trying to let Jamie go, but at the same time she kind of did want it. She wanted to be a mom so bad, but she hoped and dreamed that a child could possibly come later. With her wolf, she'd never known it was a possibility. But for it to happen now by Jamie with her have her wolf back… It takes her about ten minutes before she gets up on shaky legs to walk to the rest room.

She picks all five of them up. She takes one look at them and her eyes fill with tears. The thudding wasn't her broken heart…it was the sound of her baby, their baby's heart beating. She falls to her knees with the pregnancy tests in her hand. Leave it to her to somehow get pregnant when she thought she was infertile because of her wolf, who was now back in her life, when the man that she loves is an ex-brainwashed assassin who is still technically an international fugitive who's wanted bey the good and bad guys. Of all the times for her dreams to come true…it has to be when her world, her love life was once again falling apart. Honestly, she was over this shit-show that was her life. To be honest, she can't handle this reality. She just can't.

 _'_ _I can't deal with this right now. I can't. Just keep ignoring it'_ is what her mind says.

She takes the tests and trashes them all. She could feel tears running down her face, so she quickly wipes them away with a furious wipe of her hand. She'd push this to the back of her mind and decides to forget what her Dr. says. She decides that she'll continue to live in denial and focus on getting better. She's ignoring everyone's advice to do so, but that's okay. Getting better is the key.

She sits in her room with the music blaring and loud to try to cover the sound of the beating in her ears. The beating is still there, actually when she thinks about it, she realizes that the beating is now a louder, an unignorably loud thud.

"But you really need to listen to me. Because I'm telling you the truth….Well, I'm not okay. I'm not o-fucking-kay."

She's not okay.

**.**

**.**

**One Month Later**

**With James**

Life was difficult after the separation. Separation, like they'd been married or something. He'd wished that they were. She was the first thing that made sense since he'd left HYDRA. He doesn't have to follow orders. He could be organic and make all of his own choices and smile, laugh, live and love next to her. He loves her with all of his heart and knowing that she was terrified of his past when they parted company didn't hurt. Who'd want guns pointed at them every five minutes or want to look over their shoulder for the rest of whatever life was left. It was no life and he couldn't deny her wish for normal. He just wished that they could be normal together. He longed to be with her, craved the warmth that being with her for all of those months. And he hated their world… the world where they lived, loved and worked on getting better together was shattered because of him.

He has no purpose now besides fulfilling her last wish…keep getting better, which meant to keep going to therapy with Sam, to keep getting out of bed in the morning, to keep trying to atone for his sins as a brainwashed slave by providing the Avengers with any information that he could about HYDRA, to keep trying to get to know Steve and show him that the James standing in front of him was not the Bucky from WWII, though the latter was taking a while to do and he wasn't making much progress.

**.**

**.**

He is sitting on the couch in the living room on Steve's floor. Sam is sitting in the armchair. They're having a session.

"How have you been since Leah left?"

"I'm living."

"That's not really an answer, but I'll let that slide. You've been having nightmares. You rarely leave the floor."

"Steve is a tattletale. Besides there's nothing more to do. I'm still an international criminal, so it's not like I'm supposed to parade up and down the street in broad daylight. Steve said that they're working on it though."

"Fair enough. What do you do, then?"

"Listen to music."

"What type of songs?"

"When we were together, sometimes we wouldn't be able to talk to each other. Words were hard, so we'd just listen to music. Sometimes she'd know them and sing or hum to them. Her voice was so beautiful. And now that it's over…I love to listen to the songs that she played for me. They make me feel…" James trails off as he thinks about the music and the feeling that they give him.

"They make you feel what?"

"Nostalgic. Happy." James smiles. " I can play one for you."

Sam nods and James plays a song.

"Could you tell me what your nightmares are about?"

James tells him about the nightmare where he's the Winter Soldier and he kills the love of his life.

"You've been repressing the bad memories and your past again. Remember what I said. He's a part of you whether you want him to be or not. Loving her won't change that. You can't keep ignoring your past. That gives it power over you and cheapens everything you ever had with her."

"What are you saying Sam?"

"I'm saying that you can call her if you want."

James puts off calling her for a few days. The day he finally goes to call her, Steve come in and tell him that he's been cleared. Somehow in the celebration, James puts off calling Leah, knowing that by accepting the mantle and joining the Avengers goes against the life that she wanted.

_'_ _It's better if I stay away.'_

**With Leah**

She's been pushing through life, despite ignoring a large part of it. She keeps going to therapy, dodges the questions about if she's taken a test or if she's seen a doctor, if she's talked to her mother (Leah had actually tried on that front, but every time she went to visit Sue was never at home), and works hard at the diner. She keeps shutting people out, ignoring invites to hang out with Seth, Jacob, Embry, and Quil; she avoids the Cullen household. The thudding in her ears never goes away. Her shirts and jeans get a little tighter, so she takes to sweatshirts and jogging pants; she wears Jamie's sweatshirt more often than not.

One day after work, she walks into the house where Jacob, Seth, Carlisle, Embry, Quil, and her mom sitting there. She'd smelled them before she got there, but her dumbass still went into house anyway. Talk about scary movie idiocy. She takes one look around the room of solemn, determined faces and promptly spins on her heel to leave. She has no time to want to sit through an intervention.

A hand on her shoulder stops her from leaving. "Leah," It's Seth, his voice watery like he's about to cry and she wilts. She lets him turn her around and lead her to the couch.

She can't face them, so she looks down at her lap where her hands are very interesting. "What do you want?"

"You're not going to find a way to tell him?" Jacob says as if it would change something.

"There's nothing to tell. I'm ignoring this for a while."

"Leah, you can't," Seth chimes in.

"Yes, I can. It's happening."

"No. It's not just you that it's happening to." Seth replies.

"So, you're saying that the only way that you'll deal is when the baby is popping out of you? That's some backwards thinking, honey." That's her mom, and hearing the woman speak to her after avoiding her for so long pisses her off.

"Honestly, Mom, why are you here? You haven't been here since I've been back. Every time I tried to see you at Charlie's he said you weren't there. I don't see why you're here now."

Her mom shrinks back, tears filling her eyes. Leah has the decency to feel a little bad. They sit in silence for a second before Embry speaks up. "You have to take care of yourself. It's not just about you know. It's your baby. You have to find a way to pull yourself together."

"You've dreamed about having a mini-me for ages. Here's your chance, dude" Quil adds with a smile.

"I'm making it. I've always just been making it. I've been eating good and drinking plenty of water. What do you want me to do? If I think about what's happening…I'll lose my mind. Isn't that worse? What do you want from me Embry? What do you guys want from me?"

Carlisle finally jumps in, "You need to know what vitamins you need. You need an ultrasound. You need to know whether you're going to keep the baby. Depending on how far along you are…there are op—"

"No" Leah finds herself growling at the idea of either option where her baby didn't end up with her.

He just smiles gently at her outburst. "Let's go to my house and do an ultrasound then."

She does. Turns out, she's a little over three months; the baby looks healthy. She cries on Seth shoulder for about an hour. When she's done, her brother drives her back home. All of the pack is crowded in her car. They're all idiots, her idiots. Her mom, who decided to stay back at the house, is on the porch when they arrive. The guys hesitantly walk in and she decided to sit down on the cold concrete of the porch with her mother.

Its silent for a while, and Leah decides to start the awkward conversation off by speaking first. "I'm sorry for what I said earlier."

"You shouldn't be. You we're right, Leah. I've been avoiding you."

"I'm not a very good daughter. I've been being difficult. I understand and I'm sorry."

"You were always a Daddy's girl."

Leah smiles ruefully, "He always understood me; he never judged either."

"And I don't. I never have, understood you, have I?" her mom says. "And I knew that I couldn't help you. I didn't help you when I called you when you first left. I can't help you now. I'm glad that you're seeing someone about these things."

"I'm pregnant, Mom"

"I know, honey."

"I have no idea why now or how it's possible. But I'm pregnant. I'm so happy and terrified."

"This baby is a miracle, Leah."

"I hope so"

"I'm sorry that I wasn't the mother that you needed." Sue has tears in her eyes. "Charlie was never a substitute for your dad."

Leah looks up at the sky. It's long past sunset now and the dark purple sky is alit with millions of stars. They're beautiful. Leah slides a little closer to her mom and grabs her hand. Their fingers are laced together.

Her mom's wide tear filled brown eyes find hers.

"Could we just start over?" Leah asks.

"Yeah, I'd love that."

"You're going to be a grandma."

"I know."

Leah slides a little closer and puts her head on her mom's shoulder. She pulls the ultrasound picture of her child out of the black hoody that she has on and shows it to her mom "Do you think I'll be a good mother?"

"I know you will be."

**.**

**Three months later**

She's about six months now. She still works and goes to therapy. She's yet to tell her Dr. that she's pregnant, but it's no secret. She's rounder, and waddles a bit. But outside of her family and Carlisle and by extension, the Cullens, she's yet to tell anyone else.

"Hello, Ms. Clearwater."

Leah doesn't greet her. Instead, Leah just says, "I'm pregnant and I can't ignore it anymore."

"Remember what I said a few months ago. Dealing with the truth is hard. Sometimes we can't control everything that's happening around us. We can only control how we react to it. Change is hard; denial is easy."

"Do you think he'll be upset with me?"

"You won't know until you call him."

"Okay."

She leaves the appointment, and when she makes it home, goes to call him. She never gets the chance. Breaking news hits. A portal opened in New York. The Avengers are called in. She watches the news. Jamie is out there fighting, and she's terrified for him.

The Avengers win and she's relieved. She doesn't call him, though. She cries guilty but feels that it's better that way. Jamie looked so happy, so alive when he was out there protecting people. That night, when she and the guys make a pile on the floor to sleep, she dreams that she is in the meadow with a baby swaddled in a white blanket pulled close to her chest.

**.**

**Two and half months after that**

Leah delivers a healthy baby boy. That makes it sounds simple. She was in labor for thirty-six hours. Her voice is hoarse and she names him Harrison James. She cries hard when Seth tells her that she just essentially named her son the same thing as Harry Potter.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**Three years later**

**With James**

There is something called Thanos coming. It has everyone spooked because he's behind every weird piece of alien bullshit that's been happening in the world. Its terrifying because shit was hitting the West Coast first. That's where she lived.

When Steve said that a portal opened there, James made sure that he was the first person on the Quinjet to go out there and fight. They made it to Washington, he split away from the team to find her. She sort of lived in the middle of nowhere, and there wasn't really anywhere for them to evacuate. So, the people apparently went to the woods to something called the Cullen house.

Out front were about twenty giant wolves. Instantly, he knows that they're like her. There were six super pale, yet oddly beautiful people standing out too, like statues. They all looked ready to pounce when he and the rest of the Avengers arrived.

"We're not here to fight you." Steve says only to be cut off by Iron Man's metallic voice.

"They know that idiot. You're Captain America. Where's the brooding brunet's hot ex?"

The door to the massive house opens and out runs a little boy with a head full of coal black hair. He has light caramel colored skin.

"Harrison James!" A voice screams as a woman with long black hair and bangs runs after him. Except she isn't just a random woman. It's Leah and she's a beautiful as she was when he saw her last.

She catches up with child before he makes it past the circle of protection that the wolves provide and

"It's Iron Man, mommy."

"I know, baby. But you can't just run outside whenever you want. You suck at babysitting Nessie!"

A teenaged girl brunette steps outside "He can be a little monster when he wants to be, Leah. You should know that since you're his mom"

The largest wolf, a russet brown wolf huffs and turns to nudge Leah's leg. She sticks her tongue out at it.

"Shut up, Nessie. You remind me of why we're enemies."

Harrison repeats excitedly, "Enemies!"

The rest of the wolves sort of huff in what seems like laughter. The statue people laugh too. When they stop, it's silent and James can't take his eyes off the kid. It's like looking at a miniature, more caramel version of himself only with brown eyes, her brown eyes.

And of course, Tony, "So are we just gonna ignore that her kid looks exactly like the Winter Soldier?"

"Monkey, will you with your uncle Jacob and Nessie? Esme and my mom made lunch. And with that, baby wolves, lunch time."

Harrison goes to protest before she looks at him pointedly and he stops quickly. She sets the little boy onto the large russet wolf. He, the young brunette and the 'baby wolves' all go into the house.

James, who's just been staring at her and his son, just stands there dumbly. She walks up to him, grabs his hand, and pulls him away from the onlookers. She drags him into the house, up the stairs and into a random room. They make it to the room and she lets his wrist go.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry that I found out that he existed or that you hid him from me?"

"The first one… the latter…Both? I'm so sorry Jamie." She says a little breathlessly before she opens her mouth, speaking a mile a minute. "I was a wreck after we broke up. I was all over the place. I was in denial and it took me so long to even accept that I was having a baby. I know that that's no excuse. And I'm sorry, so fucking sorry Jamie. I was gonna tell you and then the portal happened and you were saving the world. Then Harrison was here and I was so fucking happy. I've kept going to therapy and I was learning to get better and accept life. And you were so happy saving the world. Knowing about him would've made you feel obligated to him, to me. How could I have made you give up saving people. It was my burden to bare not yours."

"Our kid isn't a burden. And that was my choice to make."

"He's not. He's beautiful. I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that! It doesn't change anything!" She flinches at his outburst, and he internally cringes. He steps closer to her and puts his hand on her face. "I've missed so much…God, I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you too. Please don't hate me. I was so selfish and I was so stupid. Please don't hate me."

He wants to tell and scream. He wants to punch the wall, but he doesn't. How they left things before the kid was born, they would be been a train wreck together. And knowing how far they both have come since then, he can see it in her face and his own when he looks in the mirror, they're ready for what the world has to throw at them now. "I don't."

"I love you so much, Jamie."

"I love you too."

"When this is over, I'm staying here."

"What?"

"I'm better now. I've been going to therapy. The Soldier is hardly in my head anymore. And seeing you and my son together; I'm upset that we lost so much time and I don't want to lose anymore. I don't know how this end, but I want to spend my life with you and him. Or at least try."

"I'd like that."

"You do realize that you kind of named him after Harry Potter, right?"

"I was trying to be sentimental. Harrison for my dad and James for you. Shut up!"

He kisses her.

**.**

He goes into the fight ruthlessly. Surprisingly, they don't lose anyone.

The Avengers who stayed there, there had been portals all over the world that they had to separate and respond to, plan to head back to New York. He doesn't leave. He stays back with her and their son. They both keep going to therapy and they enjoy continually getting better together. They grow, they laugh, and they enjoy life with their son. Together.

* * *

**Ending Quote of the Day: The battle of getting better is never ending. ~Antonio Brown**

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end guys. Sorry I went kind of sappy and cliché, but it was sort of my plan for them to have a kid. But I also realize that the ending is very similar to something else I wrote, so I may do an alternate ending. Hopefully it didn't suck.   
> Let me know if the mistakes are too plentiful to bear. Let me know if I should rewrite.  
> Thank you for reading, giving kudos, bookmarking and coming on this emotional journey with me.  
> ~Kurenai Cakes

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think.  
> ~Kurenai Cakes


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